


i love you so (please let me go)

by okstiles



Category: SKAM (Norway)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Bipolar Disorder, Denial, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Insomnia, Internalized Homophobia, Isak is sad, Jealousy, Jonas being a good friend, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Nightmares, Recreational Drug Use, Sad, Sleep disorders, but fluff too, even is confusing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-29
Updated: 2020-05-04
Packaged: 2021-03-01 02:15:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 23,726
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23367553
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/okstiles/pseuds/okstiles
Summary: "But with that safety, that comfort, there's the fear of losing it that haunts Isak. It tickles his neck and sleeps in the back of his mind. The more comfortable he gets, the more scared he is, because he’s getting attached and can’t separate. Because Even is so loving but not in the way Isak really wants."OrThey meet in the kitchen after the fight, because Isak can’t wrap his bloody fist with his left hand and Even seems to love picking up Isak’s broken pieces.
Relationships: Even Bech Næsheim & Isak Valtersen, Even Bech Næsheim/Isak Valtersen, Even Bech Næsheim/Sonja (SKAM)
Comments: 60
Kudos: 162





	1. the only one left I know is me, but I still feel fucked

**Author's Note:**

> hope u enjoy!! xx  
> u can find me on tumblr @isakijzermans :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I doubt anyone is going to read this but I rewatched Skam during this quarantine and ended up writing this, so I just wanted to post it to do something with it. I know this first chapter is super long but others will be shorter. Thank you if you do read, and kudos and comments are appreciated!! The title is from the song I Love You So by the Walters and chapter title is from Belly by Rex Orange County :)
> 
> Edited!

**——— Fredag 22:00 / Friday 10 PM**

It's only a few minutes after sunset and Isak feels like the earth is tipping below him, giving way to the three layers that rest beneath the crust. He wants nothing more than to keep tipping, to sink forward and burn to death on his way down to the inner core. Anything would be better than the migraine that is swallowing his head whole and leaving no room for sensible thoughts. Admittedly, he could’ve turned down Jonas, could have gone home and at least suffered through it from a reclined position, but he was sick of bailing. That was his first mistake, and his second was naively thinking that alcohol might help with the pain. It didn’t. His head feels like a boulder resting on his shoulders, threatening to topple at any second, and his lack of sleep from last night is picking away at the strength he’s using to hold it up. So he’s stuck, halfway to the inner core, sweating profusely yet without the sweet release of fire consuming him. 

“You okay?” It's Jonas, nodding his head along to the music that is making Isaks ears all but bleed. Magus and Mahdi are somewhere besides them, Isak doesn't have to look to hear them, and the girls are spread out amongst the rest of the room. They are at Emma’s, or was it Emily? A celebration of the first week back.

Isak nods, the heat from below melting the rubber of his shoes into the ground. “Never better.” He smiles for Jonas’s benefit, who smiles back genuinely. The earth cools for a second. 

“You gonna be good if I go talk to some people?” Jonas usually doesn't ask, but he’s smart enough to recognize that Isak isn’t having the best time. In fact, anyone looking at Isak could probably guess so, but Jonas acts on it because he loves Isak enough. Isak swears he feels a slight breeze on his cheek. 

“Yeah, of course. I'm gonna try to find the girls anyway.” It's a lie, and if Jonas weren’t as drunk he would call Isak out for it, but the alcohol in his system is already drowning him in the sea of people and in less than a second Isak loses sight of him. Isak turns on his heels, somehow nimble despite the melting soles of his converse, and moves down a hallway. 

The music is quieter here, the mix of people hooking up acting as insulation on the walls, and so Isak doesn't mind stepping around them carefully. The bathroom is luckily empty, and he steps inside quickly, locking the door before leaning against it. Isak closes his eyes for a few seconds, listening to his ears surge and the rock in his head roll to a brief stop. He is almost too tempted to lay in the bathtub and take a nap, but he decides against it, turning instead to the mirror, opening it before he can think to look at his reflection. A half-empty tube of toothpaste is all that lies on the other side, along with some cobwebs. He shuts the mirror in defeat, meeting his own eyes. His skin is pale, almost sickly, and his eyes are bloodshot. His hair is a disheveled mess. Luckily, Jonas had picked out an outfit for him this time, so he lacked the usual uncoordinated and colorblind fashion he normally rocked. It's everything he expected to find in his reflection, and more. 

Isak isn’t always like this. If he was he would probably be dead. Just last week he was somewhat fine, getting enough sleep and remembering to eat three meals a day. Sometimes he could go for weeks of normality, resembling a somewhat textbook healthy teenager. It happened more often when his mom wasn’t in a psychiatric ward or his dad wasn’t god knows where starting a new family. So he at least _used_ to be able to go for weeks like that. Weeks like this, however, sucked the life out of him, bled him dry. They can end with him knocking back several sleeping pills, or they can end explosively, in ways Isak doesn't like to acknowledge or think about. He has a feeling that this time it would end in the latter way. 

He bends down, opening the cabinet doors beneath the sink and searching amongst random commodities. He almost thanks Jesus Christ himself when his hands find a bottle of Ibuprofen. He slowly stands back up, dry swallowing two and putting two more in his pocket. 

When he gets back to the living room, half the room's attention is on something happening in the backyard, but Isaks' view is blocked by the ever-growing wall of people. He quickly searches the crowd before grabbing onto Sana. “What’s going on?”

Sana rips her arm from his grip, giving him a stern look. “I don’t know- something with the Yakuza guys I think.”

Isak tries to peak over the several heads blocking his sight. “Where's Jonas?

“Outside?” Sana offers, not really seeming to grasp the situation or if she did, not really giving a fuck. Isak, on the other hand, is lit with anxiety as he starts pushing through the crowd. The last time this happened Isak wasn’t there, but Jonas was, and the brunette was rewarded with a broken nose. 

Isak dips and dives through the crowd, trying his best to slip by the entanglement of limbs. When he finally stumbles outside, he beelines for Jonas before bothering to comprehend the situation. The brunette is engaged in whatever tense argument is unfolding between the Yakuza boys and a couple of the Penetrators. He wraps his hand around Jonas’s bicep, pulling. 

“Let's get out of here,” Isak says lowly. Jonas shakes him off, already too angry, already in over his head. 

“What the fuck is happening?” It's the girl, Emma or Emily or Eve, standing on her porch, hands on her hips. “You guys can’t fucking fight here.”

It's Isak's third mistake of the night to stop paying attention to the several angry guys in front of him to focus on the girl, because only two seconds after she says that a fist is connecting with Isak’s jaw. He almost hears it before he feels it, a sickeningly clean contact of bone on bone. He doesn't even have time to stumble backward because a friendly-fire Penetrator elbow greets him with a kiss on the nose. More hits from undistinguishable directions land on him- his mouth, his nose again, his ear. He feels like he’s moving in slow motion and at lightning speed at the same time. When the strikes cease and Isak can finally look towards the perpetrator, the guy is almost waiting for him to fight back, expecting the usual fight. If Isak were more responsible he would take the small moment of freedom to walk away, try to drag Jonas out of it too. Save himself the pain. 

But Isak gets so angry sometimes it's like he’s on fire, and everything that’s responsible is thrown out the window. So he obliges, landing a punch on his opponent’s ear, another on his nose. He should stop after he feels bone-breaking under his fist but he doesn't. He instead lifts his leg up, kneeing the guy in the stomach before shoving him backward. And it's game over, or it should be, but Isak is climbing on top of the guy, and he throws another punch for good measure because he’s moving so fast that he can’t think straight. 

Isak is the happy-go-lucky sidekick that follows Jonas around and cracks stupid jokes at bad times. He's the skinny, lanky kid who trips over his own feet and loses fights to his overstuffed locker every day. He's not the type of guy to get into fights like these, he’s not the type of guy you have to pull off someone because they just won’t quit. And yet, there are two pairs of arms pulling him back, and Jonas is grabbing his fist, talking but there is no sound. All Isak can hear is the rushing of his eardrums. 

The Yakuza guys are gone by the time Isak can hear Jonas telling him to calm down. Magnus and Mahdi are outside now, as are a lot of people, including Eva, who is walking up to Jonas. 

“The police are probably gonna show up any minute, the girls and I are heading back to mine if you guys wanna come?” Eva looks at Isak. “I probably have something for that.”

Isak frowns, looking down at himself to see what she was referring to. He’s met by his own bloody shirt, and his hand immediately flies to his face. Pulling it away reveals a fresh red coat on his fingers. “Oh. Fuck.” He breathes. The adrenaline is fading, and his face is starting to ache.

“Fucking hold it at least.” Jonas groans. Isak does so, pinching his nose and tilting his head up. “Yeah, we’ll come.”

**——— Fredag 24:00 / Friday 12:00 AM**

“Fucking hell, Jonas!”

“If you stopped moving maybe it wouldn’t hurt so much!” 

Isak groans as he shifts back into an upright position, letting Jonas gently wipe his nose with a wet washcloth. He was sitting on Eva's kitchen floor, the first aid kit open on his lap and Jonas kneeling before him, playing doctor. Isak still hasn’t managed to look at a reflective surface yet but he is sure he’s a mess. If he hadn't already looked rough enough before, he’s now nursing a possible broken nose, split lip, and a scatter of bruises alongside his jaw. It's what he guesses, at least, from Jonas’s almost sickeningly domestic complaints as he cleans each wound. Everyone else had found solace in the living room, continuing their own small party. Eva had invited a couple more people than just their usual group, and Isak is trying to steadily avoid everyone all at once. He has half a brain to just go home, but he knows Eskild would lose his shit if he saw Isak like this. 

It's quiet for a beat before Jonas finally speaks up again, but it's not to complain. “You kind of went crazy out there…” He catches Isaks gaze for a second, eyes soft. “You usually never get that angry.”

Isak shrugs, mumbling. “Just a bad night.” He would go to sleep and Monday morning he would be back to his usual self, making stupid jokes and following Jonas around. Tonight he exploded, he ended whatever shitty week he was going through, and it's just how it was. Isak just didn’t like how his explosion involved so many other people this time around. He didn’t like how violent he got. In fact, he was _scared_. Scared at how much he had hurt the other guy. Scared at how fast he lost control. It’s hard to explain, not that he ever would. Jonas only knows bits and pieces, selective moments of Isak’s childhood that slipped out of his mouth whenever he got past wasted. Jonas doesn't push or prod, doesn’t expect Isak to elaborate the next morning. He chose to focus on the present Isak, the one he could do something about. Even then, he picks his fights carefully. 

“You know my mom's offer will always stand,” Jonas says. “There's nothing wrong with seeing a doctor for your-“

“Jonas, I really can’t have this talk right now.” Isak groans softly, rubbing his head. Jonas opens his mouth to argue but Isak cuts in before he can. “Look- thank you for helping me with this stuff. We can talk at a different time but my nose is probably broken and I just want to drink a little bit. You should have fun, too. I don’t wanna ruin your night completely.”

Jonas sighs, taking a moment to decide before answering. “Fine. But we are going to talk at some point.”

They wouldn’t. Isak had become a professional at avoiding confrontation, and probably at lying, too. “Now go party. I’ll wrap my hand.” He offers. 

They stand up together, Isak situating himself on the counter with the first aid kit while Jonas claps him on the back. He offers a quick “Let me know if you need help,” before exiting. Isak sighs softly, almost in relief. He just needs a few seconds to himself, to clear his head, to come up with some type of excuse for what he just did if anyone cared enough to ask. Wrapping up his hand alone proves to be harder than he thought, however, especially when his right hand is the one sporting the open flesh across the knuckles. 

Isak groans at his fifth attempt, followed by a string of cusses when aggressively unwrapping the haphazardly arranged bandages leads to him scraping across the exposed wound. He turns on the sink as blood pools atop his knuckles and plunges his hand under. It stings even worse but he’s too frustrated to care. 

“Need help?”

“Jonas, I told you I’m fine-“ He turns, expecting to find the usual pair of brown eyes but instead meeting bright, ocean blue ones. Isak falters. “Oh, shit-uh…” The guy was leaning against the opposite counter as if he had been there for a while watching Isak fail. Isak would never admit it but this guy was beautiful, to say the least. He’s taller than Isak, and his smile reveals the sharp bones in his face, his blonde hair somehow perfectly swept up. Out of everything Isak was going through tonight he wasn’t in the mood to deal with the fact that he finds this guy so attractive, that he blushes under his gaze. Isak finally finds his voice, swallowing. “It's not your problem.” Any kind of edge he tries to convey is lost in the translation of thought to speech. 

“I don’t mind. Party is kind of boring anyway.” And then the guy is moving over into Isak’s space, picking up the gauze. 

“Uh… thanks.” Isak stumbles, not sure how to say no even if he wanted to say no. 

The guy smiles, and Jesus Christ _that smile._ It lights up the room almost, it could be as warm as the sun. “I’m Even, by the way.” He chirps. 

“Isak.” Isak’s voice sounds so small compared to Evens, and he realizes with a dreadful start that Evens view wasn’t anywhere close to the one Isak had. “I don’t think we’ve met?” 

“Yeah, probably not. I just transferred this year from Bakka.” Even picks up Isak’s hand carefully, beginning to wrap the bandages around his knuckles. “And I think I'm a grade higher than you.” He adds. Isak frowns. 

“You transferred in your third year?” 

For a split second the confident, carefree facade Even carries falters, but it's almost too quick to notice. “Yup.” He answers simply, purposefully ignoring the indications of Isaks question. Isak is too stupid to stop. 

“What happened?”

“I could ask you the same question.” Even snaps back quickly, gesturing to Isaks face. Isak can’t help but look down. It's quiet for a minute or so, the only sounds being that of tape ripping as Even continues his work. Isak wants to apologize for asking, but the words get stuck on the roof of his mouth and he opts to stay silent instead. “Alright, all done.” Even pats the top of his hand, setting it down on the counter. 

“Thank you. Really.” Isak says, examining the work. When he looks up to Even he’s met by a wink and a small salute. 

“No problem.” And then he’s gone, disappearing back into the living room. The room seems to dim in his absence. 

**——— Mandag 08:00 / Monday 8 AM**

He sleeps almost all of Saturday and spends most of Sunday at the doctors’ office, so when he walks into school on Monday with a realigned nose he’s not expecting to see Even standing there with his friends. _Even_ , of all people. If Isak had bothered to check his phone that weekend he would have known sooner that Jonas and Even hit it off at Eva’s, that Even took the boys to see a movie for free on Saturday, that they had invited Isak to come. But Isak didn’t see, so he was nervous, and kind of pissed off.

He slowly approaches the boys, fingers nervously playing with the stiff bandage the doctor had put across his nose to keep it aligned. While sleep helped some of his physical appearances, his broken nose had his under eyes littered with bruising of all sorts of ugly purples and blues, his jaw matching. His split lip left it swollen, and it kind of hurt to talk. The only thing he could cover really was his hand, tucked beneath the sleeves of his sweatshirt. 

“Here comes Tyler Durden.” Magnus sings as soon as Isak was close enough, all of their attention turning towards the boy approaching. Isak rolls his eyes, not really meeting anyone’s gaze. 

“Wow. You look like shit.” Jonas deadpans, earning a look from Isak. “Hey-hey, it could’ve been worse if not for my excellent, life saving medical skills.” 

Isak manages to glance at Even, who looks just as attractive as he did two nights ago, if not more somehow. He smiles at Isak, one that Isak doesn't feel well enough to return properly. 

“Oh, shit- Isak this is-“ Mahdi moves to introduce the two but Isak cuts in. 

“Even. We met on Friday.” He explains. Even nods. 

“How's the hand?” Even asks.

Isak simply nods back. “Good. Thanks.” They meet each other’s eyes, Even’s gaze so strong against Isak’s unfocused, insecure one. 

Jonas claps his hands together suddenly, breaking whatever look Even and Isak shared. “Great, we all know each other.” 

Isak stands by as they dwell into another conversation, listening with a jealous heart as Even cracks jokes that make them all laugh. He tries not to be paranoid but it fills his stomach with dread, makes him want to throw up almost. He doesn’t like change, doesn’t really love the idea of Even joining their group. He can’t even hate the guy because who wouldn’t love him? Especially when they reveal that Even worked at a movie theatre and had gotten all of them in for free on Saturday. 

“We invited you but you never responded…” Mahdi quickly cuts in, looking at Isak. 

“It's fine.” Isak tries to brush it off. 

“Next time you’re coming.” Even decides, smiling at Isak. That stupid, beautiful, genuine smile that confuses Isak more than it should. Isak nods, feeling a weird kind of bittersweet at the entire situation.

**—— Mandag 10:00 / Monday 10 AM**

Isak is so sick of people staring at him that by the time lunch rolls around he’s tempted to just leave and not come back for a week. He’s never liked attention, never wanted to bring anyone's gaze to his face. His stupid, explosive mistake was biting him in the ass and it was making it harder to move on. He didn’t want any of the pain from last week to bleed into this one and yet it felt as if his stomach was full of rocks and he was thrown into a lake. He usually blamed lack of sleep but he had spent the entire weekend sleeping, so it was left to his damaged face and his fear of Even replacing him to ruin his day. 

“I look so fucking stupid.” He groans, pushing away his tray of food, almost untouched, before slumping down further into himself. The boys only chuckle. 

“I think it’s kind of sexy. The whole bad boy look.” Jonas offers.

“My teachers keep trying to keep me after class. Think my dad is beating the shit out of me or something.” Isak continues, ignoring him. 

“That could be good though. Sympathy points.” Magnus offers. 

“That’s fucked up.” Even laughs, shaking his head. “I think it’s nice they care.” 

Isak only shakes his head. “And God- Vilde cornered me after first period asking me all these questions.” Magnus bursts out into laughter, Isak frowning. “What?”

“I just think it's funny,” Magnus chuckles. “That as soon as you beat the shit out of some Yakuza guy Vilde falls in love with you. You can be her new William.” Mahdi laughs with him, but Isak falters. Jonas manages an awkward half-laugh, wearily eyeing his best friend.

“Who’s William?” Even finally questions. Isak slumps down further. He listens as Mahdi explains the Russ fight, the wine bottle, the police. 

“Anway, Vilde was obsessed with him.” Mahdi finishes.

“Now Magnus is in love with her.” Jonas cut in, desperately trying to steer the conversation away from Isak. It works because Magnus launches into a long exposition about how he’s going to get Vilde to love him back. Isak pulls up his hood, continuing to play with his food. He wants to disappear into thin air. He doesn't want to be compared to William. He doesn't want to be known like that. He doesn't want to be recognized for what he did, much less does he want to be thanked for it. He never wanted to be someone like that. He never wanted to be associated with violence, with picking fights and broken noses. He spent so long running from it that to manifest it himself made him feel sick. 

“I also told her we would all go to her Kosegruppa thing.” Magnus’s words catch Isak’s attention, and he joins in with the guys in a collective groan. “Come on, it could be fun! It's this Thursday.”

Isak nods along, with no intention of ever going. 

**—— Torsdag 02:00 / Thursday 2 AM**

_Isak only has seconds to react before his father's fist is connecting with his jaw, sending him backward into the wall behind him. Terje’s face is contorted, a disfigured cloud of facial features only somewhat resembling the real man. The punch sends vibrations down Isaks’ body, pain fighting with shock._

_“Come on, I thought you could fight back now, huh?” Terje’s foot connects with his son's stomach. “I thought you were a tough guy now?” Another kick to Isak’s face, splitting open his lip._

_Isak can’t move. His body is frozen in place, but he can feel every kick, can hear every word. Terje’s voice fills the room, Isak’s childhood room, and shakes the walls. A soccer trophy falls from a top shelf, books tumble out of their arrangement._

_Isak swallows back the blood that fills his throat, staring through lidded eyes as Terje leans down and spits in his son's face._

_“You fucking disgust me.”_

“Isak!” 

Isak’s eyes blink open, the sight and sound of his room in the apartment flooding his senses. Someone is screaming, and it's hurting his head. His back is covered in sweat, and there’s something wrapped around him. He feels stuck, frozen again. He wants to move. 

“Isak, calm down.” He hears the voice again, next to his ear. He tries to breathe but he can’t, his mouth is open. He's the one screaming. 

It fades to a whimper as he tries again to breathe, taking a shaky inhale. Tears are streaming from his eyes, and Eskilds arms are around him, holding him tightly. They are on his bed, which is damp with sweat. He doesn't even know what to say even if he wanted to. His nightmares had not been this bad in a long time.

He looks up, finding Linn staring at him from the doorway. Dread and guilt pool in his stomach. “Sorry- I…” His voice is watery. “I didn’t mean to wake you…” 

Eskild is shushing him, and Isak guesses he gives Linn a look to go, because she quickly scrambles away. Isak slowly separates from the older boy, wiping his face quickly. His lip throbs, and even though Isak knows better it feels as if it just happened. As if somehow his father's strikes were real. 

“Isak… I think you need to talk to someone.” 

**—— Tirsdag 08:00 / Thursday 8 AM**

Walking into the commons five hours later is already draining Isak of his energy. After he woke up he couldn’t fall back asleep, and only after promising Eskild that he would talk to the school doctor did the older boy let him leave. He regrets it already, however. He doesn't know how to hide how disheveled he is. He hadn’t had a dream that bad in a year. The fight and now this. He didn’t want to be like this, he didn’t want to be like his father, much less his mother. 

“You okay?”

He doesn't even realize he’s right in front of the boys until Jonas is putting a hand on his shoulder, watching him carefully. Isak looks up, finding three pairs of eyes on him. Even isn’t there, which calms him slightly. He didn’t want to deal with someone he barely knew in a state like this. 

“Yeah. Sorry. I was up all night studying for my chem test.” The lie he had planned on the tram rolls off his tongue easily. They buy it easily enough, at least Magnus and Mahdi do. Jonas doesn't say anything but Isak knows he will later, in a more private setting. “Actually I gotta talk to Mrs. Olsen before the test. I’ll see you guys at lunch?”

They nod, waving him off before continuing their conversation. Isak feels guilty lying, but he’ll tell them something closer to the truth later. Maybe. Probably not.

The school doctor's office is empty. Well, mostly empty, because fucking Even of all people is sitting there. Because _of course_ he is. It’s just Isaks luck. They meet each other's gaze at the same time, and Isak notices that Even doesn't look his best either. His hair lacks the usual upkeep, and his eyes are framed by dark circles. They nod to each other before Isak moves over to the counter, taking one of the forms and filling it out right then and there. When he turns to sit he falters, not sure what the etiquette was for running into a kind-of-friend at the school doctor. Before he can decide, Even is nodding to the seat next to him, and Isak can only oblige. 

“Fancy seeing you here.” Even says softly, and his smile melts Isak slightly. Isak is so tired he lets himself enjoy it, returning his own. 

“Same to you,” Isak replies, managing to smile back.

“You look like shit.”

“Same to you,” Isak repeats. They both laugh slightly, not really meeting each other's eyes. Isak notices more differences in Even from their other interactions. He was slumped into the chair, leg bouncing up and down. Isak felt better in that he could empathize with the other boy. He didn’t feel as inadequate as before.

“How's the hand?” Even asks. Isak looks down at it, resting on his lap with new bandages from Eskild. 

“Better. Mostly just scabs now. Nothing broken.” Isak explains, moving his fingers to show the healing. 

“All thanks to _my_ expert wrapping skills, I bet.” Even says smugly. 

“Yeah, of course. I don’t know what I would've done without you.” Isak deadpans, rolling his eyes. He ignores the spike in endorphins when he hears Even laugh, ignores the small feeling of pride. 

“So, when does the nose strip come off?” Even nods to Isaks face, the younger boy reaching his hand up to it instinctively. 

“End of the week,” Isak explains. “But I was thinking of keeping it on a little longer, you know, for the attention.”

Even scoffs. “Oh, for sure. It’s super hot.” 

He didn’t expect that talking to Even would be so easy, feel so natural, especially right now. Isak was expecting to always feel small around the guy, always stumble over his words while Even spoke so confidently. It's harder to hate Evens’ induction into the group when Isak actually enjoys his company, but even then, Isak is too tired to hate him at all anyway. 

“Yeah, people really dig the whole swollen nose thing.” 

“Can't forget about the lip.” Even adds.

“Oh, of course! How could I forget?” Isak scoffs. “Or these bad boys.” He ran a finger along his jaw. “I think that I am at my peak of attraction right now, Even.”

They laugh to the point that the receptionist glances over, making them laugh more, but silently. Isak wasn’t expecting to laugh when he came here. He wasn’t expecting to do anything but try not to cry. It's a nice change of pace. Even is a nice change of pace. 

“Even Bech Næsheim?” 

They both look up, Isak finding that it's the school counselor rather than the doctor. Even gets up and Isak locks the boy’s full name into an invisible file. 

“See you later, Isak.” 

Only a few minutes later, Dr. Johansen is calling his name. He had only ever been in the office once last year with Jonas when the brunette got a bloody nose from dodgeball in gym class. In fact, he hadn’t been to the doctors for anything like this before. Sure, he went when he broke his arm bike riding or this Sunday for his nose, but never for his sleep. 

“What seems to be the problem today, Isak?” Dr. Johansen smiles at him, looking over his form. “Trouble sleeping?” Isak nods, playing with the bandages on his hand. “I'm surprised it's not for your face.” She laughs, Isak chuckling weakly in return. “Kidding, kidding.”

“I was just wondering if I could get anything, you know like medication? That would help? Over-the-counter stuff doesn't work that well.” Isak admits. 

“How long have you been struggling with sleeping?”

 _My entire life._ “Just recently. The past few weeks.”

“You know, trouble sleeping usually stems from stress. Do you think anything specific is stressing you out?”

 _My shitty childhood, my abandonment issues, my mentally deranged mother, my bastard of a father-_ “Just schoolwork, I guess. Exams.” 

She nods, smiling politely, looking back down at his form. “You have nightmares?” She continues. Isak nods. 

“Yeah.”

“Often?” 

“I mean… it's not really that frequent. A couple in the past few weeks.” Isak scratches at his nose, leg beginning to bounce. He would barely remember them half the time, would wake up sweating or crying and having absolutely no idea why. Nothing as bad as last night, not in a long time at least.

“Do you sleep-walk, talk in your sleep, get sleep paralysis…?” She waves her pen around. 

He shook his head, getting frustrated. “Look, I just can’t sleep, alright? It's nothing more complicated than that.”

She seems unfazed, simply nodding before turning to her computer. “Well I can refer you to the counseling center downtown where you can see a psychiatrist.” 

“Sorry?” He didn’t need counseling. 

“Balderklinikken? Just by St. Olavs pass.” She explains, writing down a number. “They are partnered with the school, so all you need to do is call and make an appointment.

“Oh. No- I don’t want to do that.” Isak is almost frantic. “I just wanted some medication.” 

“Well, Isak, sleep disorders are a serious thing-“

“I don’t have a fucking disorder, I just missed some sleep.” Isak spits, standing up. He didn’t need a psychiatrist or therapist or counseling. He wasn’t like his mother. Dr. Johansen falters, slightly taken aback. Isak leaves before she can say anything in response. 

**—— Torsdag 14:00 / Thursday 2 PM**

Somehow, despite his best efforts, he gets roped into actually going to Kosegruppa with the boys, accidentally ending up in the perfect place for Magnus to find him after class. He can’t do anything but go along, despite his bad mood, because getting into a fight with one of the boys is the last thing he needs right now. 

They shuffle in together to the community center, finding the girls setting up inside. Vilde smiles wide when she sees them. “You guys came!” They offer varying forms of greeting back, Magnus’s is the most, if not the only one, with any bit of excitement. Isak finds a spot in the back, sitting on the last row of bleachers. Even joins him. 

“You weren’t at lunch.” Even comments. 

“Had a make-up test.” Isak shrugs. He had spent lunch in the library, trying and failing to actually study for his chemistry test, which he bombed. 

“You missed Magnus’s whole plan to get Vilde today.” Even chuckles, sliding his phone away and nodding to the boy, who was following Vilde around as she set up. 

“He’s gonna offer to help her clean up, and then when it's just the two of them, he’ll ‘wow’ her with his flirtation skills, and she will fall in love with his humble, sincere character?” Isak guesses, looking over to find Even looking back at him with an incredulous look. “It's his plan for every event. Last time, he offered to help clean up after a pre-party, so she left him _alone_ to clean while she went to the party.”

Even laughs loudly, gaining some attention. “Did he?”

“Yup. He even fluffed her fucking pillows,” Isak chuckles, bitter. “I don’t know why he doesn't just move on.”

“C’mon, it's kind of sweet- isn’t it?” Even counters. Isak shakes his head. 

“What- pining after someone who doesn't love you back? It’s a waste of time.” Isak shot back. He had spent two years in love with Jonas, but there were more complicated reasons why that could never work. It was just different. 

“Maybe she does love him back. She’s just playing hard to get.” Even continues, flipping his phone in his hand. “Or maybe she’s scared of commitment.” 

If Isak were in a better mood, he might have considered what Even was saying, might have given Vilde the benefit of the doubt, but he wasn’t. He was tired and bitter. “I think she likes having someone around who's into her to make her feel better about herself.” He settles, realizing at the end of his sentence that he’s worked up. Even notices too. 

“Okay… I’ll take your word for it.” Even responds wearily. Isak only leans back against the wall behind him, closing his eyes. Isak wants to apologize, but he doesn't. 

The girls start the meeting, Vilde nervously talking through her goals for the revue group. Isak is content enough to sit and listen, but to his demise she suddenly wants them to stand up for “love exercises.” He stands up slowly, looking over when Even bumps into him, motioning to his own hand where he was holding a joint. 

“Fuck the love games.” Even says ceremoniously, grinning at Isak before stepping down the side of the bleachers, escaping out the side. Isak follows, making sure the rest of the boys don’t notice. 

Even is waiting for him outside, sitting on top of the bench and lighting the joint in his mouth. Isak joins him, their knees touching. 

“You’re a saint.” Isak breathes, taking the joint from Evens outstretched hand. Even shrugs. 

“I've been told.” 

They are quiet for a moment, simply passing the joint back and forth. 

“This is good shit.” Isak mumbles. He feels better than he has all day. The tension that had made a home in his body since last night was slowly fading. Even nods, grinning cheekily. “Where do you get it?”

Even leans over, whispering comically. “Don't tell anyone.” His breath is hot on Isaks ear, and it does something to his chest he doesn't want to acknowledge. “But I bought it from one of the Yakuza guys.” 

Isak’s eyes widen. “How dare you?” He whispers back dramatically. Even leans back. 

“I know- I know. I walk a dangerous path.”

“Just wait til they find out you're from Nissen.” Isak laughs. 

“Oh no problem! I’ll just get you to beat them up again. You can be my little bodyguard.” 

The tension leaving his body halts, stops at the door, forgets its coat back inside. “I wish people would just forget about that.” He breathes, not meaning to say it out loud, but the higher he gets the less control he has over his tongue. He can only hope Even doesn't catch on. He does, of course.

“About the fight?” Even turns to him. Isak bits his lip, the words tumbling out of him faster than he can stop them. 

“I’m just not like that. I don’t want you to think I’m like that.” 

“Like what?”

“Like I'm the kind of guy who beats the shit out of other guys.” Isak plays with his bandages. He’s already regretting the words as soon as he’s saying them. Even probably thinks he's soft, that he can’t even take a joke. “I don’t know- never mind.” 

“I don’t think you are that kind of guy.” Even says simply, taking another hit of the joint. 

“You don’t?”

“No!” Even is laughing, and Isak realizes he probably doesn't get that Isak is actually concerned about this. The weed was really strong, to be fair. “You’re funny, and smart. Maybe a little bit negative sometimes.” Even looks at him. “And you are the only guy I know who can rock a broken nose.” 

Isak is glad that Even is so high because he can’t help but blush at the words, a smile playing on his lips. He knows Even doesn't mean anything by it but he lets himself enjoy it. Just for a second at least. 

“Thank you.” He finally says. “Really.”

Even smiles back. A moment passes before he speaks again. “Do you wanna go somewhere?” 

“Sure.”

**——— Torsdag 04:00 / Thursday 4 PM**

That somewhere was the Colosseum Cinema, Even’s work, which takes them eleven minutes by tram. Eleven minutes they spend laughing their asses off for no particular reason. Eleven minutes in which a creeping fear at the back of Isak's mind begins to manifest at the idea of losing whatever relationship is budding between them, because Isak always fucks up, because nothing good ever lasts. But it's still in the back of his head, and the front is focusing on Even. His smile, his laugh, his hand on Isak's arm to stop him from falling flat on his face when they got off the tram. 

“I haven't been here in forever,” Isak admits as they approach the building. Even feigns shock.

He follows Even as they move around the back of the building, entering through a back exit. They are in an almost empty hallway near an elevator, which Even is quick to lead them up to. A few more back hallways lead them to the top of an open dome theatre, an old black and white movie playing. They are on the third level, at the very back, in a dark corner where no one could really see them. It's bigger than he remembers, the expanse of seats before him leaving him stuck in place, admiring. He doesn't even notice Even walking up behind him. 

“It's crazy, right.” He whispers, and Isak feels frozen in place, can’t help but let his eyes flutter closed. Even walks down through the seats, sitting in the last row and leaning over the railing. Isak takes a moment before following, sitting next to him. 

“When were you here last?” Even asks.

Isak looks down below at the people scattered about the first level, running his fingers along the railing. “When I was like ten, with my mom.” He whispers. It was before she got really bad, a day of freedom from his father. He clears his throat. “So, how come you started working here?”

“I love movies.” Even breathes. “Figured if I want to be in the industry when I'm older might as well start somewhere.” He smiles at Isak. “Plus I get to see all the movies for free and sneak in whoever I want.” 

Isak chuckles. “You wanna make movies?”

“Yeah- I mean that’s the plan at least. It's just something I’ve always done, you know?” Evens' eyes lit up as he spoke, the smile on his lips making Isaks heart soften. “I made some films my first year but,” He stops for a second, shaking his head. “I just never have the time anymore. But I wanna start again.”

“So I'm assuming you don’t wanna just go to the University of Oslo, huh?” Isak chides.

Even shrugs, “I mean there's The Norwegian Film School but I think I gotta go somewhere else if I really wanna get into the industry, you know? Like New York University or the MET in London.” He sighs. “My parents aren’t too fond of that idea though.” 

“How come?”

Even only shakes his head, not looking at Isak. “It's a long story for another time.”

“Well, I wanna see your movies sometime.” Isak offers, trying to steer away from the topic Even clearly didn’t want to talk about it. Even laughs.

“I'm not sure you do.”

“Why?”

“They are so bad. Like mind-numbingly pretentious.”

Isak shakes his head. “You are gonna show me them.” He declares. “It's cool enough that you can even make movies in the first place. I'm horrible at art.”

“That can’t be true.”

“Oh trust me, it’s true. I'm like tone-deaf but for any artistic ingenuity. It just doesn't make sense to me.”

“What does make sense to you, Isak?”

“Science. Math.'' It’s Isak's turn to shrug, to look away as he dives into some personal aspect of his life, but he’s nowhere near as passionate as Even. Isak doesn't like to think further ahead than a week at a time, so he avoids caring about things that could give him a future. “It just clicks. It's either right or wrong and you can’t argue the several interpretations of it.”

“Well, that’s great because I need a calculus tutor.” Even grins and Isak smiles back, laughing. 

They stay for the rest of the movie, and when Isak falls asleep on Evens shoulder because he’s been awake for 16 hours and was still pretty high, Even lets him.

**—— Fredag 21:00 / Friday 9 PM**

Isak is high off of Evans shit again, but this time it's combined with four shots of warm Grey Goose and a beer. Instead of watching an old movie in a beautiful theatre with Even he’s in the middle of a mass of bodies, letting them push him around as he soaked up the moment. The song playing was a nice one, he couldn’t feel his hands, and if he closed his eyes he felt like he was falling forward. It was a nice feeling, one he welcomed. He deserved it. 

He convinces himself that he deserves to watch the lights from the cheap strobe light projector dance across Evens face. That he was simply appreciating the sharp edges of his jaw and cheekbones, his ocean blue eyes somehow even brighter. The soft, pink lips Isak wants to kiss. The blonde, tousled hair that Isak wants to pull. 

He shakes his head as if it would help clear the thoughts filling his brain and gravitating lower on his body, directing his attention to downing the rest of the beer in his hand. It's disgusting, but it works enough to distract him. At least, for now. It also helps that a girl is suddenly in front of him.

“Isak, right?” She shouts over the music. She’s short, brunette hair framing a petite face. It's what Isak should be into, what he should be spending his time thinking about. 

He nods. “And you are…?”

“Emma.” She fills in, moving closer to him when the crowd shifts. “I saw you at Emily’s last week.” She lifts a hand to his jaw, fingers gently grazing across the faded bruises. 

He wants to move away from her touch. Instead, he smiles. “Enjoy the show?”

She giggles. “I will admit it was kind of hot.” She moves closer to him, eyes flickering between his own and his lips. 

Isak doesn't have time to get anxious about making the first move because she’s suddenly kissing him, and the shock at her forwardness leaves him frozen for a second before he kisses back. It's mechanical, it's what he’s expected to do. Not even being twisted makes it anything more than boring. He was having a better time by himself. When he pulls away finally, his gaze immediately turns towards Evens direction, because it's what he wants to look at. He's not expecting to find Even looking directly back at him with a face so unreadable it could give Isak another headache. 

He holds Evens gaze for what feels like an eternity, both of them seemingly unsure of why they are so stuck on each other while at the same time not really minding. Isak is the first to break away, because Emma is tugging at his hand. “Sorry?”

“I asked if you wanted to go upstairs.” 

Isak wonders what he would say if Even hadn’t looked at him like that, but as far as he knows the idea of kissing anyone but the older boy suddenly seems almost repulsive. He searches his mind for excuses, but for once things are going his way because the music is stopping and the house lights are turning on. He’s never been more grateful for the sight of police officers than he is now. Without saying anything he’s moving towards his friends, it seems she is doing the same. 

He eventually just goes outside, finding half of his group there and waiting with them for the rest to trail out. Isak lets out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding when Even’s tall frame breaks free from the crowd of people exiting the house, meeting them on the sidewalk. 

“I’m fucking starving.” Jonas groans, the whole group agreeing. They barely have to discuss their plan before they are walking towards downtown Oslo, Jonas set on getting pizza. 

Isak is still so gone, every step and swing of the head feeling surreal. As he listens to his friends bicker he cant help but laugh. It all feels so scripted, so perfect. He is trying to enjoy every second of the moment, to soak up the atmosphere in some lame attempt to package it away for later use. It never worked like that, but twisted Isak is an optimist. Especially when Evens shoulder kept bumping into his own. 

After he had fallen asleep on the older boy's shoulder the night before Even had walked him home, not even mentioning the fact and simply rambling on about the meaning of the film Isak had slept through. Isak had slept a full six hours, which was good for him, and convinced the group to skip first classes to get coffee. They were happy he seemed to be getting back to normal again, and Isak was just trying to ride it for as long as possible. He is still riding that wave now, staring up at the night sky and letting the city noises fill his head. 

“Is it alright if I invite some people to meet us for food?” Even asks the group, who all respond with varying degrees of indifference. It brings Isaks attention back to the boy, almost tripping over his own feet in the process. Even catches him by the arm, chuckling. “Woah there. Jesus, you are so fucking high Isak.” 

Isak smiles. “And drunk. Don’t forget drunk.” 

Even only shakes his head, hand not leaving Isak's arm. Probably to keep him upright, like any friend would do. But his fingertips are burning into Isaks skin despite the three layers he’s stuffed into. “We are gonna get some food in you.”

Isak is not proud to admit that he falls forward on purpose so that Even wraps his arm around him completely as they walk. But in his own fucked up thought process it's worth it, because Evens arms are holding him so tightly. Probably because Isak is a mess and risking hurting his face even more would be bad for everyone. But Isak takes it at face value, enjoys the feeling, focuses on the body so close to his own. 

Isak rides the wave as they keep walking, closes his eyes and listens to his friends talk, feels Even’s body vibrate whenever he talked. The next few moments pass by quickly, and before Isak can really process it they are in front of the pizza place. There are three girls waiting outside for them, and Isak feels cold air rush in as Even separates from him. Isak watches as he goes to the girl in the middle and kisses her. He watches as Even puts his arm around her and turns back to them. He watches as Even speaks.

“Guys, this is my girlfriend Sonja.”

And the wave Isak was riding crashes to the shore. 

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been doing a lot of research on sleep disorders and I am trying to depict it realistically, but if I get something wrong feel free to let me know. I also did a lot of location research on Oslo but I may be wrong about certain locations. Thank you if you read!


	2. I'll guess I'll be getting you stuck in between my teeth and there's nothing I can do about it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys for the kudos and comments! Song title is from Only Angel by Harry Styles :)
> 
> Edit: I edited this after looking over it a bunch so some small things changed specifically in the first part

**_———_ ** **Mandag 08:00 / Monday 8 AM**

Isak knew he had no right to be mad. He didn’t even really know why he was. He met Even two weeks ago and yet seeing him with his girlfriend just drowned some part of Isak that hadn't been breathing for a while. He didn’t like to get to know people, didn’t like to like anybody. He couldn’t even admit he liked guys, not even to himself, so what right did he have to be mad about anything at all? Even was a good guy, a great guy. Isak can’t help but hate the idea of not having that guy for himself, and he knows he’s gotten attached too easily, too early, too unreasonably. So he’s mad at himself, for fucking things up, for making things so complicated, per usual. For thinking that Even was playing him when in reality Isak was just filling in the spaces that had been empty for so long. Isak just needs to step back, to stop.

So he feigned ill on Saturday to get out of spending more time than necessary with Even despite knowing it was irrational. But he couldn’t get out of seeing them Monday morning, not without too many questions. So he’s here, slowly approaching them, trying to look busy on his phone. 

“Hey, you got your nose cast off!” Jonas points out when he’s close enough. Isak’s hand rises to the bridge of his nose where the bandage once was, so lost in his thoughts that he forgot it was removed on Sunday. The bruising under his eyes had faded, replaced with yellowish curved marks. His split lower lip had begun to heal, the delicate new cells stitching themselves back together. It only helped his mood some. 

“How will he ever pull girls now.” Magnus chides, earning a look from everyone. “Okay, okay, calm down. I'm not wrong, though. You guys all saw Isak on Friday.”

“I sure did.” Jonas laughs. They look to Isak, waiting for his response, one he doesn’t have. 

So he shrugs, “I don’t really remember.” And the boys laugh. Isak avoids looking towards the eyes that could see right through the lie. What did it matter anyway? 

He was just sick of feeling sick. The fight, the nightmare, and Even were events in just the past two weeks that were seriously fucking him over. He usually skimmed by on a thin line between happy and sad. Anything tipping towards the latter was private, hidden and locked away. Now it felt like some parts of him that were supposed to be hidden were in full view, incorporated with other people. It made his headaches worse, his sleeping problems manifesting into disorders he refused to acknowledge. It was only a matter of time before more people than Eskild were noticing his steady decline and trying to do something about it. 

He just needed control. The fight gave him control but the fallout took it back, the nightmare chewed it up and spit it out, and Even. Even is unpredictable, unprecedented, new and unknown. Isak doesn’t like liking anybody, because it was never anything but painful. He was too scared to do anything, to even admit that he liked guys. He doomed himself to suffer in silence every time. So he avoided getting attached to anybody new, avoided the opportunity for more pain. 

If Isak could just fade back into his usual place, go back to just going to school and hanging out with the same three friends and dealing with everything alone, it would be fine again. 

**—— Mandag 12:00 / Monday 12 PM**

“Isak, wait up!”

Isak closes his eyes, jaw locking as he takes a breath, slowing down his fast pace. He had managed to avoid lunch, claiming he had a make-up test, but he wasn’t expecting Even to go out of his way to find him. It was already becoming apparent that his plan to avoid Even wasn’t going to work the way he wanted it to. He doesn't meet the older boy's gaze as he falls into step with Isak, the two of them walking out of the building.

“Hey, missed you at lunch.” Even breathes, looking over to Isak, who only shrugs in response. 

“Had a test.” 

Even falters at his tone. “Well, what are you doing now? I'm still hungry so I'd be down to get some food-”

“I'm going home.” Isak cuts him off, fumbling around in his backpack, searching for his wallet, just for something to do with his hands. He just wants to get out of there as soon as possible. He doesn't want to explain himself. Even didn’t do anything wrong. It's Isak, it's always Isak. His ability to hide his emotions just crumbles when it comes to Even, he guesses. He cusses when the wallet falls from his hands. Even goes to pick it up but Isak beats him to it. “I got it.” It's almost too aggressive, because Even steps back quickly enough, his face contorting into one of confusion and concern. 

“Isak-“

“Look, I can’t talk right now, okay? Sorry.” Isak looks up at Even, meeting his gaze. It's not the same as Friday night. It's confused, irritated. “I gotta go.” He turns on his heels quickly, not bothering to pay attention to where he is going until he rounds a corner. He shouldn’t have done that, shown any emotion, any reaction. He was immature, emotionally stunted. As much as he wished he could change, he couldn’t. He was stuck.

**——-- Tirsdag 16:00 / Tuesday 4 PM**

“You look like shit.” It's becoming Jonas’s personal greeting to Isak, his own fond way of calling Isak out in a way that sounded like a joke to anybody else but the two of them. 

They are outside their usual Kebab place, Jonas scarfing his own food down while Isak left his untouched. Jonas had been talking about a new girl he was seeing, but Isak guesses he had dropped out of the conversation because Jonas is focused on him now, looking over his face. Isak also guesses he doesn't look too hot, but that’s probably because he woke up from another nightmare at 01:00 and hadn’t fallen back asleep since. It wasn't as bad as last week, but it was debilitating enough. 

“Fuck-sorry.” Isak straightens. “What were you saying?”

Jonas shrugs. “I said you look like shit.” He repeats, set on moving on from the topic of girls and directing his attention to Isak. 

“Stayed up all night studying.” Isak fibs, focusing on poking his food with his fork. 

“For the past two weeks?” 

Isak can’t help but groan at Jonas’s choice to have this conversation here and now. He was too tired to do his usual routine of excuses and lies that would change the topic and get Jonas off his back. 

“You have to admit you haven’t been the most normal.” Jonas continues, smiling, knowing that he has Isak where he wants him. “Eskild texted me.” He adds. Isak closes his eyes, breathing a small  _ fuck  _ . “He’s worried about you.”

“It was just a nightmare. Nothing new.” Isak tries. 

“Yeah, but you don’t usually wake up screaming about your dad, do you?”

Isak stops, shocked. Eskild didn’t tell him that. Then again, they didn’t really talk much beyond Eskild making him promise to talk to the school doctor. Jonas’s eyes soften at this. 

“Look, i'm not asking you to talk about that specifically, okay? But I just want you to talk to me, let me help you.” Jonas offers. “This isn’t just you drinking too much at parties or missing a couple of hours of sleep.” He leans forward, quieter. “This is like before that, when your mom….” He trails off, moving to his point. “I didn’t do enough then. To help.”

Isak swallows the lump in his throat, looking away. He didn’t want Jonas to be involved in any part of his problems, didn’t want to burden him with things Isak couldn’t even address, couldn’t even talk about. “It's not your responsibility to fix me, Jonas.” 

“Well, no shit, I can’t fix you. That's your job. But my job is to help you.” Jonas says simply. 

“There's nothing to help me with, Jonas. You can’t do anything and you don’t need to.” Isak leans back, crossing his arms. “I don’t need help. I just need to get some better sleeping pills. That’s it.”

Jonas matches his position, not backing down. “And the fight? Was that about sleeping pills?” 

Isak clenches his jaw. “Yes.” He decides, both of them knowing it wasn’t but both of them also knowing that it was the only answer he was going to give. Jonas doesn't even look annoyed, but rather disappointed. It hurts even worse. 

“Fine.” Jonas counters. “Then see my moms psychiatrist, get prescribed pills that actually work.”

“Psychiatrists are for people with actual problems, Jonas.”

“When are you going to admit that you have an actual problem then? When are you gonna stop being so fucking scared all the time?” Jonas is exasperated, angry. It was unprecedented territory for Isak, Jonas was always calm and collected when it came to these talks. He always picked his words carefully. Now he was saying what he actually wanted to say and Isak didn’t know what to do but to run. In the next moment Jonas seems to regret his words, seems to realize what he did, but it’s too late. “Isak, I’m sorry-“

“I gotta go.” Isak stands up, cutting him off. Jonas doesn't try to stop him from leaving, knowing that it would only make things worse. 

Isak hated the truth the most out of everything. 

**——— Torsdag 11:00 / Thursday 11 AM**

Isak avoids the group Wednesday, coming to school late to avoid them in the commons and lying about another test he had to study for. He already didn’t want to see Even and now Jonas was another person he was trying to avoid. He knew they would make up soon, they always did, but Isak is just so tired and irritated. Especially because he falls asleep at 04:00 on Thursday and wakes up at 09:00, leaving him rushing to school late. Especially because his locker won’t open, no matter what he does. 

Isak stands in front of it, his forehead resting on the cool metal as he tries to gather enough energy and patience to try and open it again. 

“You okay?” 

He immediately shoots up, looking over to find Even, of all people, standing there, watching him, amused. It's deja vu, except this time despite his smug look he has dark circles under his eyes, his hair missing its usual care and instead messily resting on his forehead. Isak takes a breath, biting back some defensive response that threatens to leave his tongue. 

“Just won’t open.” He admits. Even smiles softly, reaching out and with ease hitting the locker with the side of his fist. It flies open, Isak catching stuffed paperwork before it can spill everywhere. “Fuck-uh. Thanks.” 

“Of course.” Even smiles. Isak realizes then it's the middle of first period still, unsure as to why the older boy would be casually walking around the halls. Isak lets it go unanswered in his head, not really sure what to do at this point. It would take more energy than he had to be a dick to Even for something that was Isak’s fault. He instead silently pulls out the notebooks he needs. Even finally speaks again. “So, how long do you plan on being pissed at everyone? Because I’m having the guys over Friday and you should come.”

Isak falters, not expecting Even to keep talking to him, much less try to address what was going on with Isak so openly like that. He shuts the locker, turning to him. “What?”

“You’ve been avoiding everyone? In the mornings, at lunch...” Even says simply, as if it was the most obvious answer. 

“I've been busy. I told you guys that.”

“That why you were so mad on Monday?” Even retorts, and while he’s maintaining a casual attitude towards Isak there's a tone of genuine concern and nervousness below. When Isak doesn’t respond he continues. “I just kinda thought we were kind of becoming friends.” And the older boy's genuine tone almost fully bleeds through, Even shifting anxiously. 

Isak takes a moment. He really was a dick sometimes. He wanted control and Even made life unpredictable too fast. All Even was trying to do was make friends at a new school. He told Isak about his passions and made efforts to hang out with him and Isak was just a dick in return. Isak didn’t even deserve this chance to fix it that Even was offering, but he would be stupid not to take it. His loose plan to avoid Even seems so stupid at this point, because it was something he could get over. Honestly, as unpredictable as Even was, he was exciting and Isak hadn’t been excited in a long, long time. 

“We are.” He finally says, sighing. “I wasn’t mad at you. I’m just stressed about school. I  _ am  _ really busy, I’m failing like two classes right now.” The  _ i’m sorry  _ Even deserves gets stuck at the back of his throat.

Even seems to visibly relax at this, nodding. “Yeah… yeah, no, I get it.” He takes a step to leave. “So, you will come this Friday? I'm sure a shit ton of booze and weed could help with the stress.” He offers. 

“Yeah, for sure.” Isak agrees before letting himself think about, just wanting to make this right again. Maybe control was just being Evens friend, just letting good things like Even happen, even if it hurt. 

**——-- Fredag 08:00 / Friday 8 PM**

Isak comes late, having fallen asleep as soon as he got home from school. So he’s standing outside Evens door with bleary eyes and his phone almost dead, knocking. Even opens the door, face lighting up at the sight of the younger boy. He looks better than yesterday, his eyes brighter and his skin healthier. “Look who decided to show up.” 

Isak smiles sheepishly as he steps inside, hearing the boys in the other room. “I tapped out as soon as I got home.” 

Even only laughs, ruffling his hair. Isak would lie if he said he didn’t wish Evens hands were always in his hair, but he tries not to focus on it. The boys are spread about the living room. With  _ Sonja _ . She’s talking animatedly with Jonas, happy as ever. She brought two friends, who are distracting Magnus and Madhi. 

Isak takes a breath before smiling at them all, Jonas moving towards him as soon as he sees him, a beer in his hand. An offering. The question of  _ we good?  _ hanging in the air unspoken but there nonetheless. Isak takes it, answering the question. Jonas smiles, clapping him on the shoulder. They both suck at real apologies.

Soon enough Isak is sitting between Jonas and Magnus, smoking a joint and nursing his beer. Music is playing softly from the tv, the outside world far away. Their initial plans to go to a party are thrown out the window when they realize how comfortable they are. Isak almost doesn't mind Sonja in Evens lap, the two of them stuck in their own private conversation, because neither of them seems really happy about it. It's a shameful thing to think, but Isak lets himself enjoy it slightly anyway. Except when they suddenly both stand up and Sonja leads him to his room, flashing her girlfriends a telling smile as she does. That's when he stops enjoying it. 

Magnus whistles, “My man!” Isak finishes the beer in his hand before moving to get another. 

“I don’t get it.” Jonas says. Isak halts his movement upward, frowning at his friend.

“What?”

Jonas looks to Isak in surprise, as if he hadn’t meant to say it out loud. However, it's brief, because he then shrugs and continues. “Last week they were broken up and now this week they are back together.” He motions a repeating pattern with his hands, laughing. He moves his hands to his face, studying them. “God I am high.” 

“Who? Sonja and Even?” Isak presses, nudging Jonas to bring him back to focus.

The brunette nods, “I got here early and he was telling me about it.” His eyes suddenly widen, “But you didn’t hear that from me.” He whispers.

Isak laughs, shaking his head. “Don't worry, my lips are sealed.” 

Jonas grins, patting his cheek. “That's  _ my  _ man.” 

“Well,  _ your  _ man wants another beer.” Isak stands. He steps over his friends strewn about the room, shuffling into the kitchen. 

He grips the counter as the world suddenly shifts slightly under his weight, his body catching up with him. “Woah.” He breathes, fumbling for a glass from the cabinets, suddenly wanting water more than anything. The first cabinet he opens isn’t the right one, but he stops nonetheless, staring at several prescription bottles. He can’t help but reach his hand out, picking up the first one he sees. 

_ Even Bech Næsheim _

_ Seroquel 300mg _

Isak frowns, but before he can he do anything else he hears a commotion outside the kitchen. He quickly puts the bottle back, shutting the cabinet just as Sonja storms in. She’s crying, her mascara smeared below her eyes. She barely even looks at Isak as she grabs her purse from the counter. Even is entering behind her, only in boxers. 

“Sonja- Jesus- would you just calm down?” Even is halfway to shouting, and follows her to the doorway, which insanely lucky for Isak is right by the kitchen. Even blocks it, saying something low that Isak can’t hear, and he realizes how annoying he must be right then, just standing there. He moves to the fridge, opening it to find the beer he had originally come for. He looks back up when he hears the door slam, Even resting his forehead against it in defeat.

Isak looks down at the beer in his hand before handing it over. “Beer?” 

Even looks over quickly, not noticing Isak’s presence until then. He takes a moment, looking between the beer and Isak before taking it. 

“You okay?” Isak finally asks. Even moves into the kitchen, shaking his head and letting out a humorous breathe, rubbing his eyes. 

“I’m sorry you had to see that.” 

“Don’t be sorry.” Isak shakes his head, letting the silence gather as he looks at Even. The thing is that Even has a  _ nice  _ body. He doesn't even notice he’s staring until Even dips his head to meet Isak’s gaze. 

“Like what you see?”

Isak's face immediately heats up, and his gaze falls to the floor. “What? No, no?” He stammers, “Do you have a bottle opener?” He busies himself with searching. 

“Isak.”

Isak turns completely, uselessly looking around at the countertop. 

“Isak.”

He finally turns back around. Even is smiling, amused. “It's in your hand.”

Isak quickly looks down, face somehow becoming even redder as he remembers that he had already picked it up while Sonja and Even were fighting. “Oh. Right.” He closes his eyes, wishing he could just melt into the floor. Even only laughs. 

“Relax, Isak.” Even takes the bottle opener from his hands, opening Isak’s beer before his own. “I’m the one who just got broken up with if anything I should be stressed out, not you.”

Isak looks back up, frowning. “You guys just broke up?” 

“Yeah.” Even takes a sip of his beer, shrugging. He looks completely unbothered if anything just tired. “And we will get back together tomorrow probably. And then break up again on Tuesday.” 

Isak has several questions, most of all being  _ why not just break up with her for good  _ but he doesn't know where to start. Jonas wasn’t kidding. 

Sensing his confusion, Even continues, “We’ve been together for so long it's just…I don’t know. We always end up back together I guess. It's hard to imagine life without her, you know? We’ll always love each other, no matter what.”

Isak nods slowly, biting his lip. “Is it really love though if you guys fight all the time?” It's out of his mouth before he can stop it. Even falters, giving Isak an unreadable look. 

Even clears his throat. “Yeah.” He doesn't say anything else on the matter, moving on. “I'm gonna go get changed.” 

Isak walks back into the living room, finding the boys smoking another joint. He drops down next to Jonas. He already takes three more hits by the time Even walks back out in sweats. It's three hits too many probably, but it gets him through the next conversation. 

“Well, if it isn’t the man of the hour.” Magnus grins at Even, sitting up to address him. 

Madhi groans. “Watch out Even, before you know it he’s gonna be begging you to teach him ‘your ways’.” 

“Not completely true!” Magnus scoffs.

“I don’t even have any ‘ways’.” Even shrugs regardless, taking the spot next to Isak, their knees touching. “She calls most of the shots. For fucks sake,  _ she  _ was the one who asked  _ me  _ out.” 

“Girls can ask guys out?” Magnus gaps, earning incredulous laughs from all of them. “Why didn’t I know this?”

“Because no girl will ever ask you out?” Isak offers.

“Oh, what do you know,” Magnus grumbles, flipping off Isak, who only shrugs in response. Jonas speaks for him. 

“Dude, seriously?” Jonas scoffs. “ _ Every  _ single girl Isaks been with has asked  _ him  _ out.” 

“That's not true…” Isak tries weakly. It was, painfully so. Girls asked him out and he said yes because he thought it was what he was supposed to do. 

“How is that I, a great guy, try my best and get nothing in return, while Isak just sits there and girls come to him?” Magnus groans, falling back on the floor. 

“Probably because girls aren’t into desperation?” Even says simply, almost sounding bad about it. Isak laughs loudly, Jonas following. Magnus only groans louder. 

**—— Fredag 24:00 / Friday 12 AM**

Time passes by quicker than any of them had anticipated, and by the time they noticed it was already midnight. Madhi and Magnus had already passed out, and Jonas was almost there. Isak, much to his own dismay, wasn’t tired. Even didn’t seem to be either. 

“Wanna watch a movie in the other room?” He whispers to Isak, who nods. They both got up, careful to not disturb the guys, tiptoeing down the hall. The other room turned out to be Evens, a mounted tv facing his bed. Isak walks in slowly, taking it in. 

Even’s walls are covered in drawings, movie posters, and random memorabilia. Isak runs his hand over a drawing of the Oslo skyline. “You drew all these?” He looks back at Even, already sprawled on his bed. He nods as if it's nothing special. Isak begs to differ. He continues to walk around the room, his feet moving him slowly as his mind processes each drawing at a time. Abstract faces, film quotes Isak only kind of knew, comic strips. 

If he were sober he would be overthinking every step, tense and nervous at the idea of being in Even’s room. Instead, he’s shuffling along, taking his time, comfortable as ever. When he turns he finds Even watching him. “These are really good,” Isak says, meeting his gaze. 

“Thank you.” Even smiles softly, moving over as Isak sat down on the bed. “Maybe I’ll draw you some time.”

Isak laughs, shaking his head. “Yeah, no way.”

“Why not?”

The younger boy kicks off his shoes before leaning back into the pillows behind him. “You don't want a picture of me.” He says simply. 

“I don’t?” Even questions, turning to lay on his stomach, propping his head under his hands. 

Isak only nods his head. “I don’t like pictures of myself.” He says softly, quietly. He wasn’t sad, it was just a fact. He never liked taking more pictures than he needed to. Never liked looking in the mirror longer than necessary. It’s just how he is. He doesn’t get why Even looks so sad when he says it. 

“Really?” 

The reaction surprises Isak, sobering him up slightly. He wasn't in the mood to talk about himself, and with the way his mouth was working before his brain, he knew he would say something he regretted. He only shrugs, hoping Even will leave it. 

“Well, I think you should like pictures of yourself, Isak.” Even whispers, and its so soft and pleasant in Isak’s ears. He wonders how often Even tells Sonja sweet, little nothings. He wonders if she appreciates them like he would. Even laughs softly at something, Isak guesses it’s him. “Jesus, you are so high.”

It's deja vu. The Friday before, outside of the party, Even’s eyes, bright and blue. “And drunk. Don’t forget drunk.” Isak repeats, following the script. Even seems to catch on, his head dropping as he laughs. As awake as Isak was in the living room, the comfort of Evens bed is convincing his body otherwise, fast. He's fighting to keep his eyes open, to stay awake so he can stay in this moment with Even. 

“And tired.” Even points out. “You want pajamas?” He gets up when Isak nods, moving around his room before throwing him a pair of sweatpants. The movie they came to watch is forgotten.

Isak slowly sits up, awkwardly getting out of his jeans with his eyes still closed. He pulls on the sweatpants, a little big on him, and stands up, almost falling. “Woah.” He takes a step towards the door. 

“Where are you going?” Even asks, and he’s shirtless now, pulling back the covers. He laughs when Isak just points to the direction of the living room. “You can sleep here if you want. I don’t mind.” 

If Isak were smarter, soberer, he would have just kept walking to the living room. He would have slept on the floor and avoided laying in bed with Even, someone who confused him so much. But he’s drunk, he’s high, and he’s stupid. So he walks back to the bed and crawls in the covers. 

“Goodnight Isak.” Even’s voice is so close, so warm. Isak is asleep before he can respond. 

**—— Fredag 03:00 / Friday 3 AM**

He’s not sure if he’s still dreaming when he opens his eyes to Evens dark room. All he knows is that he can’t breathe. He can still feel hands around his neck, cutting off his circulation, pulling him towards darkness. He’s moving anyway he can, trying to get out of the grip, trying to break free, but there are arms wrapping around him, trapping him.

“Isak!” There's a voice, somewhere behind him, somewhere close. The arms have hands that are grabbing his own. “Isak, listen to me. Breathe.”

“I-I can’t.” Isak manages. 

“Yes. You can.” The voice is firm, the grip tightens. “In through your nose, Isak. Out through your mouth.”

Isak struggles, wheezing as he breathes through his nose slowly, coughing the first few times. Slowly, the feeling of hands around his neck fades, the silence of the room filling in. Isak is drenched in sweat, breathing loudly as his senses flood back in. Even is still holding him tightly, his chin on top of Isaks head. Isak moves from fear to embarrassment, his hand breaking free from Even’s grip to wipe the tears off his face. He sits up slowly, separating from Even.

Isak can only somewhat remember the nightmare, even then he’s not sure if he wants to. It was his mom this time, similar to the last. Isak couldn’t speak, couldn’t fight back. He was just frozen. He was stuck. The usual.

“I'm sorry.” Isak finally whispers, his voice hoarse. He can’t even look at Even, can’t even turn his head in that direction. He doesn't know where to start. Even wasn’t supposed to see this part of him, nobody was. That’s why he never slept over at his friends, going home even if it was incredibly inconvenient. But Even makes him do stupid things, makes Isak stop thinking clearly.

“Isak, it’s okay.” Even says softly. “Let me get you a new shirt.” 

It wasn’t okay, it was the opposite of okay. This was the worst possible scenario, happening in real-time. Isak wasn’t even sure what he could do at this point, where he would go from here. How he would just leave in the morning and see Even again when Even had seen him so vulnerable, so pathetic. He takes the shirt Even hands him, slowly peeling his own off and replacing it. 

“Do you want any water?” Even asks. Isak only shakes his head, and the older boy returns to his spot on the bed tentatively. Isaks hands can’t stop shaking, and he notices. “Isak, look it's okay. I get nightmares too sometimes.”

“That bad?” Isak got out, and he sounds so, so small. Even sighs softly. 

“Well no, but it doesn't matter…” Even moves to face him. “Isak, nothing has to change.” When Isak doesn't respond he continues. “Trust me, I get it. I've been there.” 

Isak remembers the medicine he had found earlier, wanting to ask but he can’t find his voice. He's not even sure it's an appropriate thing to ask but the situation is so unpredictable that he’s not sure what the rules are anymore. He just wants this to be forgotten, to move on. 

“Can we just not talk about it.” He whispers finally. 

“Whatever you want.” Even nods, not moving to lay back down until Isak does.

Isak pretends to sleep for the rest of the night. 


	3. more than fun, you're the sanctuary

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is from Sanctuary by Joji :) Thank you guys for the kudos and comments!

**——— Lørdag 06:00 / Saturday 6 AM**

As soon as the sun rises, Isak leaves before anyone else can wake up. It’s early, the sky a mix of morning fog and fresh sunlight. It’s what Isak likes. He’s spent more hours walking around Oslo at dawn than he has in his own bed, studying the city and appreciating the small beauties of empty morning streets and fresh coffee from just-opened cafes. This time, however, it’s tainted by the anxiety that’s crawling all over him, making him restless. He keeps walking more than usual, takes a longer route to try and tire himself out. When that doesn’t work he opts for tea instead, dipping into the nearest cafe. 

Isak sits to drink, but his leg won’t stop bouncing. He feels even less in control then he had before. Even saw a part of him he didn’t even let his best friend of 17 years see. He had information that he could tell anyone, at any moment. He could be talking to his friends right now over breakfast. It makes Isak feel sick, unwhole. Defenseless. Vulnerable. 

He pulls out his phone quickly, opening a message to Even. 

_**til Even** : _

_Please don’t tell anyone about last night._

He bites his lip, quickly erasing it and trying again. 

**_til Even:_ **

_Hey could we keep last night between us two?_

His finger hovers over the send button before he deletes it completely, shoving his phone back into his pocket. He’s stuck. He drinks the entire cup of tea he bought, burning the back of his throat, and walks home. 

**——— Lørdag 15:00 / Saturday 3 PM**

Isak’s in a halfway state of sleep when there's a knock on his door. He groans, turning into his pillow more in an attempt to grasp the small amount of rest he was getting. When he got home earlier he was still as restless as ever, cleaning his entire room in order to just keep busy. Only in the past hour did his body finally give him a break, and he’s trying to take advantage. 

“Eskild, I’m trying to sleep.” He says, muffled through the fabric. 

“Sorry.” Except it’s not Eskild’s voice, it’s Even’s. Isak sits up quickly, turning to look at him blearily before clearing his throat and trying to situate himself. As clean as his room was, he knows he looks like a mess. “Eskild let me in.”

“What are you doing here?” Isak gets out. Even is awkwardly standing half in and half out of Isak’s doorway, unsure of what to do with himself. Isak doesn’t know what to do with him either. 

Even tosses a jacket onto Isak’s bed. “You left this at mine.”

“Thanks.“ He looks down at his own clothes, realizing he’s still wearing the shirt and sweatpants Even gave him. His face heats up. “Uh, I can give these back-“ He begins but Even waves his hand. 

“No problem, give them back whenever.”

Isak nods slowly. He has a feeling Even didn’t come all this way to drop off a jacket. “Was this it, or…?” 

“I also wanted to check if you were okay.” Even says, rocking on his heels, not really looking at him. 

“Yeah, I’m fine” Isak nods again. He had spent all morning manifesting paranoid visions of Even telling all of his friends about last night and yet, here Even was, going out of his way to check on him. Isak doesn’t know what to make of it.

Even takes a breath, “and that-uh… I just want you to know that if you need to talk I’m here. I know we met like two weeks ago or whatever but-“

“I’m okay, Even. Really.” Isak says simply, cutting him off. “It was just a bad dream. Nothing really to talk about. Thanks, though.”

Even opens his mouth to say something, almost as if to prove Isak wrong, but he stops, faltering. He takes a moment before he nods. “Okay, well- just wanted to check.” He smiles. As much as Isak wants him to say his original thought, he also just wants to move on. Even saw a small glimpse of the mountain of things Isak had going on, the small snow-covered peak, and even that was too much already. 

“Alright, well. Thanks. For dropping off the jacket.” _And caring._ The last words get stuck on his tongue. 

“Yeah, no problem.” Even chirps back. “I’ll see you Monday?” When Isak nods he turns to leave. 

“Wait,” Isak says suddenly, forcing himself, taking a breath before continuing. Even turns back around on his heels, eyebrows raised. “Look-uh. Can you not, you know, mention it? To anyone?”

Even lets out a humorous breath. “I wasn’t planning on it.” 

Isak lets out a relieved breath in return, looking down at the jacket the older boy returned. “Thanks.” 

“Of course.” 

Even leaves before Isak can look back up. 

**——–– Tirsdag 13:00 / Tuesday 1 PM**

Isak finally has the energy to sit down and actually do schoolwork on Tuesday after spending all weekend and Monday laying in bed and doing absolutely nothing. Despite two failing grades, he wasn’t stupid, not completely at least. He managed good grades for most of his life but the more his sleep got fucked up the more his work became a casualty of it. 

He decides to stay in the school library, knowing that if he went home he would fall back into his usual position of doing nothing for hours on end. Jonas and Eva offer to come with him, a development between the two of them that happened only today and Isak hadn’t had a chance to question. It’s nice, hunched over his chemistry textbook and feeling somewhat productive for the first time in a long time.

Just, he can’t stop thinking about Even. How he wrapped Isak’s hand despite being strangers; how he called out Isak for being a dick; the medication Isak found in his cabinet or what he had told Isak about his relationship with Sonja; his arms holding Isak coming out of a nightmare; him coming all the way to Isak’s to check on him. _Caring for him._ It’s confusing and comforting at the same time, scary and safe. It doesn’t help Isak’s small developing crush, doesn’t help Isak’s attempts to avoid his own sexuality, doesn’t help his hatred for himself because of it. When he got over Jonas it became easier to ignore, but now it’s back, growing steadily.

But with Even, there is a certain type of safety in his straightness. As much as it frustrates him to see Even with Sonja, it keeps him in place. It grounds him. He can’t do anything even if he has the guts to. Even won’t ever see him as anything more than a friend. It was the same with Jonas, and Isak eventually moved on from him. There is no pressure for Isak to figure out his own feelings when acting on them is impossible. 

Isak looks up, pulling himself from his chemistry homework and his own thoughts, to see Eva walking off to the bathroom, leaving him alone with Jonas. He quickly turns. “So you two are…?”

“Friends. Just friends.” Jonas says simply, but not completely convincingly. “I mean, we both have things with other people.” 

Isak nods slowly, raising his eyebrow. “So, you have no feelings for her? At all?”

“Well, I didn’t say that.” Jonas huffs. “But we were together for so long… I don’t know, maybe I’ll never really be over her. It just seems stupid to not be friends when we know each other so well.” 

Isak smiles because at least something was going right. He had never really forgiven himself for fucking up their relationship in the first place, even though both of them had forgiven him. They just assumed he was acting out because of his mom, that he was just angry at the world. They told him it was bound to come out eventually. That there would be something that broke them up otherwise. Isak didn’t believe so, and the fact that they never knew the real reason made it impossible not to feel bad. 

“Good.” Isak finally says. “I’m glad.” 

Jonas smiles back. “Just like old times.” 

If only Jonas were right. If only Isak could go back to before his dad left and his mom broke apart completely. If only he could be living in his own house again. He knows it’s for the better in some ways. His dad can’t hurt him and his mom anymore. But it seems they hurt themselves enough to make up for it anyway. Isak turns back to his work, finishing up his last chemistry assignment before moving to Literature. 

An hour passes and while Isak has only gotten a few sentences into his essay, Eva and Jonas are finished studying and head home, leaving Isak alone to work. He tries to turn his full attention back to his essay, but it’s futile. Literature is his worst subject. He has no idea where to start on an essay interpreting excerpts from Hamlet. He instead opens another tab, his curiosity getting the better of him as he typed in ‘ _Seroquel’_ to the search bar. He had tried to avoid doing so earlier, knowing it wasn’t his business and his acquisition of the knowledge of the first place bordered on stalkerish. Isak just wants to understand Even a little more, piece together the puzzle through the small hints he has seen. 

_Quetiapine_

_Brand name: Seroquel_

_Antipsychotic_

_Treatments: schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, and depression._

Isak falters slightly at the word _schizophrenia._ There was no way Even could possibly have what Isak’s mother had. He would've seen it, he knew all the signs. He was the one reading all the information possible, he was the one going with his mother to her doctor visits when it wasn’t so bad. That left bipolar disorder and depression. Despite Isak’s knowledge of his mother's illness, he hadn’t spent much time learning anything else. After his mom's accident, he had steered clear of anything related completely. He was too afraid to click on the link for depression. He didn’t have time to click on _bipolar disorder._

“Hey.” 

Isak slams his computer shut, looking up to find Even. Of course Even would show up, right then and there. It felt like a tv show where the actions happened right after the actor said something related to it. Where one of them says _what could go wrong?_ and something goes wrong a second later. Where Isak is researching the medicine he had invasively found at Even’s apartment, and a second later the older boy is standing in front of him, holding two coffees. 

“What are you doing here?” Isak finally says, the panic in his voice eliciting a strange look from Even. 

“Jonas had asked me at lunch if I wanted to study with you guys, I had a thing, I texted him to see if he was still here, he said no but you were, I figured id get us coffee on my way over…” Even rambles on, sitting down across from Isak. “If that’s okay.”

If Isak hadn’t already felt bad for looking at the medicine or hypothesizing the issues Even had and obviously didn’t want people to know about, the fact that the boy had brought him coffee really hammers in the guilt and shame that are pooling in his chest. He swallows, taking a moment. “Yeah- yeah. Thank you.” He reaches out, taking the coffee Even hands him. 

“Jonas said you liked it black.” Even comments, pulling out his own schoolwork. Isak wants to punch himself. He knew something he shouldn’t. Isak knew if it were the other way around he wouldn’t be happy. He guesses it was already the other way around with the nightmare but Even wasn’t prying for answers then, he had just happened to be there. Isak didn’t just happen to open Even’s cabinet and then look through his medicine. A confession bubbles at his tongue but he stops it. The last thing he wants is to lose Even when he just got him. “You okay? You look like you are gonna throw up.” Even points out, watching him.

Isak clears his throat, shaking his head. “Yeah, I’m fine. Thank you, for the coffee. Really.”

“No problem…” Even chuckles warily. Isak slowly opens his computer, quickly exiting the tab. “What are you working on?”

“This Hamlet essay.” Isak sighs, looking over the only two sentences he had written. 

“Hamlet? What about it?”

“‘Analyze and interpret the ‘To Be or Not to Be’ soliloquy in Act three, scene one.’” Isak reads the prompt. “I have no idea what to write.”

Even sets down his own work, focusing on Isak. “Well, what have you written so far.”

Isak slides over the laptop, blushing at Even’s stifled laugh at his pathetic two lines. “I’m a shit writer, I know.” 

“No-no, don’t say that.” Even tries, handing the computer back over. “You just need to come up with a thesis. ‘Shakespeare uses blank to show blank.’”

Isak groans. “But I don’t even know _what_ he is saying. I’m not good at interpretation. I’m shit at this kind of stuff.”

Even ignores him, instead taking the printed out excerpt from Isak’s work and laying it between them. “Look, Hamlet is depressed. Like super fucking depressed because his dad died and his mom’s a whore, right? He just wants to kill himself, but he’s also a devout Christian and thinks that if he does, he won’t go to heaven. So he’s saying ‘to be’, to live, or ‘not to be’, to die. He’s questioning which one is better at this point because both suck.” Even writes down notes as he speaks, circling some words and making little annotations next to them. Isak can only watch him in awe, so in his element, so intelligent. So confident in what he says. So helpful. He cares about Isak, and Isak doesn’t know what to do with that. He doesn’t know how he can possibly repay everything Even has done for him already. All Isak’s done is be a dick. The guilt is a sea now, filling his body, spilling out. He can’t stop himself. 

“I found a bottle of medicine at your place and I looked at it and I know I shouldn’t have but then I also looked it up and read about it because I was curious but I know it was wrong for me to look and I’m sorry I know I’m a shitty person for it-“ Isak is talking too fast, cutting Even off right before he begins to explain another concept. The words bleed together and are tumbling too fast out of his mouth and he can’t stop until Even is cutting him off. 

“Woah, Isak- calm down.” He’s putting his hand on Isak’s arm, looking at him with concern. “I can’t really understand you.”

Isak sighs, closing his eyes, not wanting to say it again. He gulps before looking back at Even. “On Friday, I was looking for cups and I opened a cabinet and I found these bottles- prescription bottles. And I picked one up to see what it was.” He says softly, eyes falling back to the table as he did.

“Okay…” Even responds, taking his hand off his arm and shifting back. “What bottle?”

“It said Seroquel on it.” When Even doesn’t respond he continues. “I looked it up, to see what it was for. I’m sorry.” As shitty as he is at apologizing he’s forcing himself to get the two words out, knowing it was necessary.

Even sighs before speaking. “So, what did it say?” 

“That it was for schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, and depression,” Isak remembers. It’s then quiet for a painfully long time, Isak not daring to say anything else or move a muscle. 

“I’m Bipolar, Isak.” Even finally says. “That’s why I take it.”

“Oh.” Is all Isak can think to say, his mind scrambling for words to formulate another sentence. He had forced Even to reveal something he didn’t want anyone knowing. What was Isak supposed to say to that? Where could he even start? 

“So what… what do you think about that?” Even’s voice is small, vulnerable. It’s the first time he’s heard Even like this and it’s because of Isak. Isak wants to slam his head on the table.

But what did Isak think? He didn’t know. The only people he knew with mental illnesses like that were his mom, and she didn’t really present the best image or experiences. But this is Even; funny, kind, confident Even. Even who helped him wrap his fist without knowing him, who held him when he woke up from nightmares, who brought him coffee just because. It broke everything Isak thought he knew about mental illnesses, rewrote the script in his head. At the very least, Isak just knows he doesn’t want Even not in his life, and he knows he has to say something before the boy leaves. 

“I don’t think anything.” Isak finally says. “You are still the same guy to me.” He manages to finally meet Even’s gaze. “Nothing has to change.” He adds, repeating the words Even had whispered to him in the dark. 

Even seems to visibly relax at this, sinking into the chair and swallowing. “Okay.” He says softly.

“I also think that I was a dick for going through your stuff like that,” Isak adds sheepishly. Even only shakes his head. 

“It’s okay, Isak. It’s not like I didn’t learn something about you either that night.”

Isak falters, not really wanting to consider the idea that Even being Bipolar and his nightmares were somehow on the same playing field, somehow equal. He turns back to the paper between them. 

“So uh… life and death right?” He looks over Even’s annotations. Even leans forward, picking up his pencil again. 

“Exactly.”

**——— Torsdag 18:00 / Thursday 6 PM**

When Isak comes home from school on Thursday, he’s met with soft music and laughter from the kitchen. Isak had been at the library, studying, or at least trying to, for four hours. This time without Even, and coffee, and revealing significant personal issues. Instead, it was just him, thinking too much and doing too little. 

“Isak!” Noora shouts when he appears in the kitchen, holding a glass of wine. The girls, all of them, are spread about, wine drunk and dancing with Eskild, who is smack dab in the middle. 

“Hey…” He falters, not expecting all of them here at once. All eyes on him. Eva smiles at him. 

“We are making dinner, wanna join?” She asks, motioning to the table full of ingredients laid out. Eskild walks over to him, speaking before he can. 

“Sorry, I forgot to tell you. The girls are over for wine and dinner.” He reaches out, pinching Isak’s cheek. “You look so tired.” He pouts. He’s tipsy. 

Isak chuckles awkwardly, stepping back from his touch. “I’ve got a shit ton of homework so…” He takes another step, one foot out of the kitchen. They respond in their own ways, but it pretty much boils down to drunk nonsense. 

Their music and laughter can be heard from his room, leaving him restless as he tries and fails to do any more of his work. He eventually slumps back into his bed, deciding to just watch tv, but before he can his phone is ringing. It’s Even.

“Hello?”

“Hey, what are you doing right now?”

“Nothing really. What’s up?” 

“Can you hang out right now?”

Isak sat up at this prospect. “I mean, I guess so yeah?”

“Great, I’ll pick you up in 5.” 

And then he hangs up, no goodbye. Isak stands up, moving past his confusion to put his shoes back on. Even asking him to hang out at 18:00 on a Thursday night never crossed his mind as a possibility. Much less Even seeming to know Isak would say yes already by being so close. Isak guesses they really are becoming friends. 

He also guesses that when Even said pick him up he didn’t mean meeting outside, but rather knocking on the door and saying hi to everyone in the kitchen, because that’s exactly what it sounds like as Isak is pulling his jacket back on. It’s confirmed when he finally goes in himself, finding Even talking vividly to Eskild and the girls. Even’s eyes meet his first, eyes wide in amusement. 

“You never told me your flatmates were so nice.” Even says, bringing everyone else’s attention to Isak. Isak only looks to Even, nodding to the door before disappearing into the hallway, grabbing his keys from the counter. Even follows. 

“Eskild’s funny.” Even notes as they get into the elevator. 

“He’s pretty cool,” Isak mumbles in agreement. It was the understatement of the year. Eskild takes care of Isak in ways that he could never repay. “So, why did you want to hang so suddenly?” 

Even shrugs. “Something wrong with that?”

“No. No.” Isak quickly shakes his head. They make it to the ground floor, exiting out onto the street. “It was just kind of random.”

“Are you hungry?’ Even moves on as if Isak had never said anything at all. Isak looks to him, finding Even less happy than he was in the kitchen with the girls. 

“Sure.” 

They end up at a small cafe, tucked into the corner with two cups of coffee and some croissants. They talk about random things for a while, avoiding the true question of why Even had asked him to hang out so suddenly, why he seems so on edge. Isak is tempted to ask if it has something to do with him being bipolar but he knew it was completely out of pocket to say. He has been working so hard to move around it, to learn to not see Even with a giant _Bipolar Disorder_ above his head. To not see Even as something unstable Isak had to be careful around. He had looked into it, spending all of yesterday reading about it. He wants to do this for Even because Even does so much for him. But old habits die hard. 

Even is in the middle of telling a story when he gets a text that pulls him away completely. Isak can make out Sonja's name before Even is picking it up, reading it. By the time he looks back up the story is back in the past, left unfinished. 

“Everything okay?” Isak asks, nervously sipping his coffee. Even sips his own. 

“Same old, same old.” Even sighs. 

“You guys break up again?” 

“We got back together.”

Isak frowns. Even doesn’t seem the tiniest bit happy. In fact, he seems more sad than he did before. “Is that good or bad?”

“Good, I guess.” Even mumbles. Isak can’t help but get frustrated. 

“You don’t really seem that happy about it.”

Even looks up at him, taking a moment. “Being in love isn’t about being happy.” He shrugs. 

Isak lets out a sigh of disbelief. “It isn’t?”

“It’s just been so long with her. It’s not about that anymore. She’s taken care of me in so many ways.” Even argues. “It's about who's gonna be there for you at the end of the day, happy or not. Even if we are broken up or whatever I know she’ll always be there, you know?”

“Yeah. I know.” Isak didn’t really know, not really. He had Jonas, but he felt like this was somewhat different. He’s never been loved like that, never really been loved at all in that way. It’s hard to imagine he ever will be. It’s hard to imagine ever feeling 100% certain that there will always be someone there for him. 

“Thanks for coming here and all.” Even says, moving on. 

“Yeah, no problem.”

“And you know, being cool about the whole-“ Even makes a circling motion towards his head. “-situation. I didn’t want to tell anybody at first really.”

Isak nods. Some part of him is uncomfortable at Even joking about it, but he pushes it down and away. “No problem.” 

**—— Lørdag 22:00 / Saturday 10 PM**

The moments leading up to Isak breaching the apartment building and starting his search for Even throughout the streets are a blur that he would have to sit down to make true sense of, but key moments stick out in his head enough that he figures that Even is upset and that there was a lot more he didn’t know about the guy. 

He kicks the pebble under his foot as he moves down the residential neighborhood, pulling his jacket tighter around him as he looks around the area for the taller boy. He remembers Sana’s brother and his friends showing up to the party, them arguing with Even, and then Even storming out, but beyond that, it was a mess of bodies and lights that made it hard to make out their conversation or to grab Even before he left the building. All he knows for sure is that his legs carried him after Even before his mind even caught up to the situation. 

It’s been a week since he went with Even to coffee, and they had only hung out a few times since, but not alone. Sonja or Jonas or the whole group were there, leaving Isak and Even to interact on a casual plane, acting as if they didn’t know more than they should about each other. At least, that’s how Isak feels because he’s stupid and likes Even more than he should, so every small look or touch feels electric, feels too telling. 

It doesn’t take him that long to find the older boy, his tall frame casting a shadow on the street as he walked towards the city center. Isak’s mind and legs work together this time to get him moving forward, calling out Even’s name.

Even turns when Isak is a few feet away, and Isak almost stops moving completely because he’s never seen Even _this_ upset. The small moments of sadness Isak has seen before seem so small compared to the look on Even’s face. Even’s eyes won’t even meet Isak’s, anxious and unfocused. His mouth is drawn into a tight line, jaw clenched. He looks pissed, but also somewhat scared. 

Before Isak can even open his mouth Even beats him to it. “Go back to the party.” He resumes his pace.

Isak, drunk and stubborn, meets it. “What happened?”

“Isak, I’m serious. Go back.” 

Even being hostile towards Isak in any way is a new territory, but it wasn’t an unfamiliar situation for Isak. He had dealt with drunk, grumpy post-breakup Jonas enough. Some part of him feels like this may be more serious than just a simple heartbreak, but nonetheless his steps don’t slow and his mouth is opening. “No.” He says simply. If anything, nothing could match the anger Isak’s father inhabited and unleashed on him. Isak could deal with this. Maybe.

Even suddenly stops, Isak almost tripping over his own feet. “Isak-“ Even starts, irritated. 

“Even.” Isak matches his tone.

“Jesus.” Even raises his hand, pinching the bridge of his nose. 

“Who were those guys with Elias?” 

“Old friends.” Even mumbles. 

“Didn't seem very friendly.”

“Why do you care?”

“Because you’re upset.”

“I'm not upset.”

“Bullshit.”

“Jesus fucking christ.” Even turns from him, running a hand across his face. Isak waits, unsure of how far he can step, of how much he’s allowed to push. He should just leave it be but if Even is gonna go out of his way to care for Isak, Isak feels he should do the same. Isak looks around at the empty street they found themselves on, halfway between the residential neighborhood they were in and the bright lights of Oslo’s city center. He can hear the sounds of life from the latter, music from bars and nightclubs carrying through the wind, a woman's laugh, a screeching car. 

“Are you hungry?” Isak offers, breaking the moment of silence.

Even takes a moment before slowly turning back around. “What?” He lets out an incredulous breath.

“I want McDonalds.” Isak moves on, starting to walk towards the city. He glances back, finding Even still standing there. “Well, you aren’t gonna go back to the party are you?” He argues. He’s trying to sound confident, but in reality, he’s nervous that Even is gonna just get more upset and walk away from him. But he has to stick with this. He keeps walking. 

When he hears footsteps meet his own he lets out a breath, looking over at Even who was meeting his pace. He didn't look happy, but it was a start. 

Isak leads the way with drunk confidence, which ends with them taking more than 20 minutes to find the closest McDonalds. They end up in the back corner, Isak with too much food and Even sipping water. Isak ends up talking to fill the silence, about nothing at all really. He doesn’t even think Even is listening but it's better than nothing, he guesses. He was good at this until it got to the talking about the emotions part. Jonas usually passed out before they got to that point.

“This is the most I think I’ve ever heard you talk.” Even finally says, cutting off Isak as he was rambling on trying to explain Jonas and Eva. Isak falters. 

“What?”

“You’re usually quiet. You say like three things then just go dead for the rest of the conversations. Even when it’s just you and I, you’re usually letting me talk.”

Isak sips his drink, shrugging, defensive. “So?”

Even shrugs back, “Nothing. I just like when you talk more.”

Isak feels his face heat up and he goes back to eating the rest of his food. It’s quiet again and Even looks back out the window.

“I’m sorry if this isn’t helping.” Isak finally says, feeling guilty. Even quickly shakes his head. 

“No-no. It is. This is nice.” 

“McDonalds is nice?” Isak can’t help but counter.

Even lets out a humorous breath. “Okay well, maybe it’s not the _nicest_. But you running after me all dramatic like that? That was nice.” He offers.

“I was worried, okay?” Isak argues, his face going red again. Even manages a small smile. 

“It was very cinematic.”

“Fuck off.” 

Even shakes his head, laughing slightly, but it fades. Isak’s own smile does too. 

“Do you want to talk? About it-the guys?” Isak offers awkwardly, the words feeling stupid and blocky.

Even takes a moment, and Isak can see him weighing his options before deciding. “Just some shit went down last year, I ended up losing them in the process. Haven’t really talked to them since.” He offers. Isak nods, not sure what to really say. Even kept it short and vague on purpose, he didn’t want Isak to keep pushing. Isak knew this, Isak was a professional at doing that, really. Even lets the silence settle before disrupting it again. “Keep talking.”

Isak frowns, confused. “What?”

“I like listening to you talk.” Even shrugs. “You said something about parallel universes earlier? What's up with that?” 

“Oh, its stupid-“ Isak starts, shaking his head, but Even cuts him off. 

“Tell me about it.” He says simply, watching Isak with a determined look that Isak couldn’t really say no to. Isak feels stupid regardless, there was a reason he didn’t talk a lot. He never feels anything he has to say is good. Talking just reveals too much, anyway. Once he starts he can't stop until someone else cuts in. Newton’s first law. 

“Its just a stupid theory I found awhile back. That there are parallel versions of our universe, somethings are completely different, somethings are almost exactly the same.” Isak starts, messing with the straw of his drink. “Like in another universe I’m surfing on a beach in Bali, but in another we are here, just you got a Pepsi instead of a water.” 

Even nods, “How many Isaks and Evens are still sitting in a McDonalds at 23:00?” 

“Infinite.” Isak says simply. “It never ends.”

“Is there one where we are sitting in a place with better food?” Even points out, and they both laugh softly. Isak shakes his head.

“Actually that’s the only one that doesn’t exist. Sorry.” 

Even rolls his eyes, leaning forward, propping his chin on his hands. “I don’t really know if I believe that. All of it.” When Isak is quiet he continues. “It's kind of scary to think about, to be honest. Makes me feel lonely.”

“Why?”

“I guess it’s more of that I just feel like nothing I do in this universe matters if there are infinite more.”

“That's what I like about it,” Isak admits. “If I keep fucking up in this universe at least there’s another me in another universe getting it right.” 

Even watches him, in the same way he had looked at Isak at that party, and Isak can't help but fidget under the gaze. “What do you keep fucking up?” Even finally asks. 

Isak falters, not sure what Even was trying to get at with the question. “I just meant in general.” He mumbles. “Everyone fucks up.” 

There’s a universe where Isak is happier, where his dad isn’t a bastard and his mom isn’t ill, where he's a normal kid, where he can finally just sleep. One where he could just be friends with Even and want nothing more. At least, believing this makes living a little bit easier for Isak. He clears his throat, sitting up. “Wanna head out?” 

They end up walking in the vague direction of Isak’s flat, the silence they had managed to fill for a while now back and walking with them. Isak is too exhausted to fill it by talking again, the motions of the night catching up with him. Even doesn’t seem to mind, and so they walk, side by side, in comfort. They end up at his place eventually, faltering at the entrance to the building. 

“I should probably head home.” Even says. 

Isak turns, trying to hide his disappointment. “You sure?”

Even nods, “My parents seem pretty pissed this time, so I better go smooth it out.”

“Yeah.” Isak nods back. “Stay safe getting home then.”

Even smiles. “I will.” Isak turns back to the door, unlocking it, but Even speaks up again. “Isak?”

He turns, “Yeah?”

“Thank you. For tonight.” Even says, genuine. 

“Yeah, no problem.” 

Even smiles, looking at him with a look that felt so endearing that Isak’s legs felt weak. “I’m glad we are friends.”

“Yeah, me too.” Isak manages. Even waves goodbye, heading down the street while Isak gets inside. 

He doesn’t let the words sting until he’s in his room. 

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is kind of a filler but I wanted to expand on their friendship more first :)) Kudos, comments, and feedback are always appreciated! xx


	4. call me friend but keep me closer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that it has been a while! I committed to college and am studying for my AP exams so I've been pretty busy. Also, I've been stuck on this chapter for so long and still don't know if I like it but hopefully, it's good! The chapter title is from when the party's over by Billie Eilish :)

**——— Onsdag 16:00 / Wednesday 4 PM**

It seems that every day, they get closer and closer, and Isak is on a tight wire between loving it and wanting to run away. Isak doesn’t want to say its trust, but it's some type of understanding between them, some type of unspeakable communication. Both of them have things they don’t want to talk about, weak points and tainted pasts, but neither of them will push. Isak meets with him when Even is more down than usual, and they go watch movies until the movie theatre closes, and Isak tries to get invested in the films Even loves so much even though he doesn’t get them half the time. And Even lets Isak fall asleep on his shoulder, because he understands that Isak is just so tired sometimes. It’s comfortable, it’s safe. 

But with that safety, that comfort, there's the fear of losing it that haunts Isak. It tickles his neck and sleeps in the back of his mind. The more comfortable he gets, the more scared he is, because he’s getting attached and can’t separate. Because Even is so loving but not in the way Isak really wants. That love is reserved for Sonja, and Isak just has to watch. It hurts. He wonders how Even can do it, how he can be so attached to different people, how he can be so caring and strong and kind and  _ there  _ when Isak struggles to show it back to just one person. He wonders how Even can go through so much and still have the ability to pick others up, have the ability to feel comfortable in his own skin, have the ability to think further ahead than one day at a time. 

He’s sitting with the boys after school in the library, thirty index cards laid out in front of him while he tries to study somewhat. They have other ideas, not really focusing on the work laid out in front of them but instead talking. Even is next to him, his foot knocking into Isaks for purely annoying purposes. 

“So, you and Eva are just having sex? No strings attached?” Magnus asks Jonas, not even trying to hide his envy. Jonas shrugs. After Isak and Even left the party, Jonas and Eva had taken their newly rekindled friendship one step further. 

“For now, yeah.” 

“Eva found out Jonas goes down on girls and she suddenly wants him back, interesting.” Madhi jokes, earning laughs from everyone. Almost everyone. Isak hated when they talked about sex. The boys believe that he had sex with Sara, because that’s what he told them, when in reality they never went beyond drunken blowjobs in party bathrooms. 

“I still don’t understand how you do that,” Magnus mumbles, doodling on his paper. 

“You don’t go down on people?” It’s Even, and he sounds incredulous, like Magnus is committing some crime. It makes Magnus’s face go red. 

Jonas laughs. “See? Amateurs.” 

“Okay, it's not like I’m the only one.” Magnus tries.

“I do,” Madhi argues. Isak is halfway through a chemistry problem when he realizes they’ve gone quiet and are looking at him to answer. He doesn’t meet their eyes, continuing to write.

“Yeah, me too.” It's not unconvincing, but he isn’t matching their energy, drawing a look from Even that Isak doesn't even have to turn to see. He sighs. “Sorry, but I’m actually trying to study here.”

They leave him alone well enough, but don’t stop their conversation. 

“Going down on someone is the key to their heart.” Even teases. 

“What do you even do… down there.” Magnus makes a face, playing with his pencil.

“You want instructions?” Even asks, and he sounds serious enough. Isak can’t help but glance over, dreading the idea of having to sit there and listen to Even talk about having sex with Sonja. 

“Yes.” Magnus answers immediately, genuine. Madhi and Jonas share a look, not sure if Even is truly about to make the conversation much more mature than their school library was made for.

Even luckily laughs, shaking his head. “Get the fuck out of here, dude.” The boys laugh, Magnus groaning in frustration. “You are ridiculous.” Some part of Isak relaxes, and he focuses back on his work. 

Eventually, Magnus, Madhi, and Jonas leave, Even restlessly waiting next to Isak. “Isak, I think you’ve studied enough.” The older boy teases, picking up one of Isak’s cards. Isak quickly snatches it. 

“Stop.” He grumbles, putting it back in place. “I’m barely passing this class.”

Even groans dramatically, leaning back in his chair. “I realized that we never talk about your love life.” Even points out, selectively ignoring Isaks true intentions to work. “It's always about me.”

“That's fine with me,” Isak argues. There was nothing to talk about unless he was about to confess his growing crush for Even right then and there. 

“Come on, you always help me out.” Even argues, picking up one of Isak’s pens and doodling on one of his cards. 

“I don’t have a love life, Even.” Isak sighs. 

“Okay well, what about people in general, like that girl you were hooking up with at that party way back? She always smiles at you in the halls.” Even teases, giving Isak a cheeky grin.

Isak didn’t know why he was pushing this so hard, he could probably guess well enough that Isak wasn’t really  _ active.  _ It's painfully ironic for Even to mention Emma specifically when he was the one staring at Isak that night in a much more than friendly way.

“Barely know her.” 

Even makes a noise, sounding almost frustrated. Isak feels bad, knowing he’s not the most fun or willing guy right now. Just because they were becoming good friends didn't mean he could sleep any better. It didn’t mean that everyday life wasn’t exhausting. It didn't make visiting his mom any easier. He wishes it did, he truly does.

“I’m just not interested in anybody right now. I don't want to be.” Isak offers, trying to sound less defensive. Even nods slowly, resigning to letting Isak work. 

**——— Fredag 21:00 / Friday 9 PM**

Isak is in his kitchen, high and hungry, making quesadillas for him and Even on the stove. The older boy is in the other room, on a phone call, probably with Sonja. Isak is almost high enough to not let it irk some part of him, but it’s a pain he’s becoming better at dealing with. So, he’s focused on the food in front of him, trying his best not to burn it. Everyone else has plans, so it makes sense that they would hang out, just the two of them. Isak makes it make sense, at least.

He’s so focused on the pan that he doesn’t even notice Even coming back in, not until he’s right behind Isak and his mouth is right by Isak's ear. 

“Looks delicious.” Even whispers, causing Isak to jump back, hitting Even on the jaw with his head. Even makes a pained noise, Isak quickly turning. 

“Dude, you cannot sneak up on me like that,” Isak says, eyes wide. His movements feel so slow, the light in the room feels warm. 

Even holds his jaw, laughing. “Jesus, your head is hard.” Isak can’t help but laugh slightly, moving from the pan. 

“Are you okay?”

“I think you broke my jaw.” Even says simply. Isak reaches up to touch it but Even steps away. “No way, you might break it even more. I think I deserve an extra quesadilla for compensation.”

Isak only rolls his eyes, turning back to the pan and resuming his work. “Yeah, no way. That was completely your fault.” Isak touts. Even moves back over, resting his chin on Isak’s shoulder. Isak can’t help but freeze up slightly, not sure what to do. “What are you doing?”

“Resting my chin on your shoulder.” Even says simply. “Watching you make my extra quesadilla.” His breath is hot against Isak’s ear. Isak swallows, deciding to just go with it. Friends could do this, right? It makes sense, at least he tries to make it make sense. Isak is just glad Even can’t see his face and how it’s heating up. 

“Fine.” Isak gives in to the request. He can feel Even's jaw move against his shoulder as he smiles. Isak wants to step back, to fully press his body against Even’s. But that would be something different, something friendship ending. That wouldn't make sense.

Even moves his head to rest his forehead on Isak’s shoulder, placing his hands on the counter around Isak, leaning into his body. “God, I am so beat.” When Isak hums in response he continues. “You know,  _ adult problems _ .” 

Isak rolls his eyes again, scoffing. “Like what?”

“Having a job, paying rent, taking care of the bills.” Even teases. 

“Even, you live with your family, you don’t even pay rent.” He turns off the stove, moving the ready food to plates. “And what bills?” He turns around to hand Even his plate, not comprehending how close Even's body was to his until he’s staring at Even, their faces only an inch or two apart. Even's body is pressed into his slightly, their hips touching. One centimeter closer and a lot more would be touching.

They both don’t move, Even watching him with slightly squinted, red eyes. He only had to move the slightest bit for their lips to meet. Isak swallows, meeting his gaze, trying to not get hard, and ruin everything right at that moment. It may be a few seconds but it feels like minutes before one of them speaks. It’s Even, taking the plate Isak is still holding out. 

“Thanks.” He says, barely above a whisper, before stepping away and going to sit down. Isak is stuck in place for a moment, his mind slowly coming to terms with whatever just happened, and a soft sigh escaping his lips at the loss of proximity to the older boy. His face feels hot, in fact, his entire body feels hot, so he leaves his own food on the counter in search of water. The silence in the room is deafening, only interrupted briefly by Isak filling a cup from the tap. 

Isak leans against the counter, sipping his water and staring off at the kitchen tile below his feet, tracing the diagonal lines to each end of the room to keep busy. He’s not sure what to do, he guesses Even doesn’t either, because the older boy is just as silent. Even was the one being touchy, the one making the moves and standing so close and yet Even was the first to pull away, to get out of the situation. It doesn't make sense, Isak can't make it make sense. It confuses him as if he isn’t already confused enough, and he just wants to smoke again. 

Isak doesn't feel that hungry anymore, instead moving to clean up the mess from making food. He’s just trying to keep busy, so it makes sense that he forgets basic thermodynamics for a second when he goes to move the pan without a mitt, his right hand meeting the burning hot steel of the handle.

“Fuck.” He hisses, shaking his hand uselessly.

“You okay?” Even asks, finally speaking. 

“Yeah, it’s fine.” Isak starts but Even is already getting up, grabbing Isak's hand and bringing it to the sink, running it under cold water. It’s nothing Isak couldn’t do himself, but if it gives Even a purpose, a reason to move on from whatever happened, Isak is fine with it. 

Eventually, he pulls his hand away, letting Even look at it for good measure. “Wanna watch a movie?” He suggests nervously, fully prepared for Even to make up an excuse to go home. Luckily the older boy only nods, smiling back with the same sense of unease but it's reassuring nonetheless.

“As long as it’s not Transformers again.” 

**——— Onsdag 13:00 / Wednesday 1 PM**

Isak tends to get sick more often than anyone else, at least that's how he feels. He could probably trace it back to his sleep, his drinking habits, or his lack of nutritious meals, but the motivation to change any of those areas is practically naught. Instead, he bares his common colds with over-the-counter medicine and sniffles his way through life until it's too bad to get out of bed. So that’s exactly what he does Tuesday, getting through classes in a Dayquil haze, and coughs his way through the night, making it practically impossible to get up on Wednesday. So he’s wrapped up in his duvet, curtains drawn tightly and a tv show playing on his laptop. 

He’s expecting to stay like this for the next few days, knocking back medicine and drinking Eskilds lukewarm tea. It wasn’t anything he hadn’t dealt with before. He’s not expecting for Even to show up with soup and Isak’s missed work.

“What are you doing here?” Isak coughs out, slowly sitting up. Even doesn't hesitate at the doorway, rather setting the items on Isak's desk. They never talk about Friday, some unspeakable agreement between the two of them to just never mention it and forget it happened, at least that's what Isak guesses is happening. He just knows he doesn’t want to talk about it, and he doubts Even does either. At least he hopes because he couldn’t deal with that right now.

“You texted you were sick?” Even says simply, as if it was a perfectly logical explanation. Isak rubs his eyes. 

“That usually just means you text back ‘get well soon’ or something,” Isak mumbles, laying back down on the bed. Even laughs softly. 

“Figured I would bring this over.” Even shrugs. “Plus you suck at taking care of yourself.”

Isak makes a noise in response, “You’re gonna get sick. Really, you shouldn’t be here.”

“Well, I already am so…” Even grabs his laptop out of his own backpack. “Movie?”

“Why are you doing this?” Isak sighs, not answering him. He doesn't want Even to take care of him, doesn't want to be a nuisance. 

“Because I care about you?” Even chuckles, giving him a look. “I felt like doing something nice? I have a guilty conscience? I committed a crime and this is my way of gaining back positive karma? Eskild is blackmailing me to be here? Any of those work?”

Isak fights back a laugh, trying to remain strong against the older boys' antics. “Even-”

“No matter how much you argue I’m not leaving.” Even raises his eyebrow in defiance, challenging him. “Now, movie?”

Isak looks up at him, taking a moment to respond. It all feels like a fever dream, because really who does this just for a friend? He would think back to whatever happened in the kitchen, but the cold medicine has eroded his cognitive thinking down to simple wants and needs. He wants Even next to him, simple. He scoots over on his bed, Even taking it as an invitation to sit down.

“Something good,” Isak breathes. “Not that French wave shit.”

Even dramatically gasps, squished next to Isak on the bed. “Shit? How dare you insult the french filmmakers who revolutionized modern storytelling?” Even breaks into a grin, Isak’s annoyed look doing nothing to tame his elevated mood. “How about something Wes Anderson?” 

“Who?”

Even gives him another incredulous look, “You are really pushing me here, Valtersen.”

Isak can't help but smile slightly, loving the sound of his own last name on Even’s mouth. “Well, I’m sorry that no one can possibly live up to the genius of Micheal Bay.” Isak teases, knowing Even’s hatred for the aforementioned director. Evens jaw drops satirically, shoving Isak lightly. 

“You are on thin ice.” Even gets out. Isak laughs slightly at how riled up the older boy is, but it quickly turns into coughing. “That’s karma.” Even adds, but it's softer, any semblance of annoyance gone and replaced by fondness. 

Isak buries his face into his pillow, letting the fit rack through him, every cough aching through his chest. He groans when he finally gets enough air, taking a deep breath. 

“You okay?” Even asks.

Isak nods, lifting his head up and shuffling to sit up a bit, “you really are gonna get sick, Even.” He rasps out. 

“I think I’ll be okay.” Even offers simply, opening his laptop and settling further into the bed. Isak rolls his eyes, rather using the small laptop screen as an excuse to push more into the older boy's body. “How about Wolf on Wall Street?” When Isak nods, he begins to play it.

Isak falls asleep halfway through the movie, head falling involuntarily on Even's shoulder. 

————  **Onsdag 16:00 / Wednesday 4 PM**

He wakes up sometime later, not really sure when but just knowing that Even had started another movie. He's slow to gather his surroundings, shifting only slightly but Even is quick to notice, turning his head slightly to look at him. Isak’s head is pounding, tension building right behind his eyes, and his throat is scorched dry, revealed by painful swallowing.

“You okay?” 

Isak goes to nod, but before he can speak he breaks into another coughing fit, leaning forward and covering his mouth with his hands. With his throat it hurts worse than before, every movement of his head leaving the rock rolling there to knock on the sides of his skull. He feels Even's hand on his back, a small area of stability in his otherwise shaking body. 

“Do you want water?” Even asks softly, moving the laptop to the ground and instead reaching for the glass of water Isak had next to his bed when the younger boy nods again in response. 

Isak is left breathless by the time his diaphragm gives him a break, quickly drowning himself in the water that Even hands him. He lets out a small whimper, sniffling and rubbing his eyes. Thinking clearly has left completely, replaced by the sudden need for rest and comfort. Comfort that Even is offering. Even's hand is still on his lower back, patient. Isak can't help but lean into the older boy as he lays back down, and Even is responsive enough, letting Isak rest his head on his chest, arm wrapped around him. 

It takes him a while to drift off, but it feels safe, the warmth of the older boy encapsulating him completely. Even traces circles on Isak’s shoulder, and Isak focuses on it until he falls asleep.

————  **Onsdag 18:00 / Wednesday 6 PM**

His second time waking up he’s alone in the bed, a small note left where Even used to be with a doodle of Isak sleeping and  _ ‘you talk in your sleep’ _ written over the top. Isak stares at it longer than he should before tacking it up on his wall with a stray pin and then finally getting up. His headache is slightly better, his throat sore, and standing up sends him almost crashing down again, the world spinning beneath him. 

When he finally gathers enough strength to get to the kitchen, Eskild is there, cooking dinner. His roommate gasps when Isak appears in the doorway, a duvet wrapped around his body. “You’re alive!” He reaches a hand out to Isak’s forehead, pouting at the heat. “How do you feel?”

“Shitty.” Isak moves towards the fridge, grabbing a bottle of water, “What time is it?”

“18:00.” Eskild replies, going to the cabinet and pulling out Nyquil. “Do you want this for tonight?”

Isak takes it gratefully, not even waiting to take two out of the pack and swallow them. He just wants to keep sleeping away this fever dream of a day. When he looks back to Eskild he finds the older boy looking at him, mouth upturned into a sly smile. 

“So,” Eskild says simply, looking to Isak. Isak looks back, confused. 

“So?”

“What's going on with you and Even?” Eskild teases, cheeky. 

“Nothing?” Isak quickly retorts, focusing on drinking the rest of his water. “He just came by to drop off some things.”

“For 5 hours?” Eskild points out. 

“We just watched some movies,” Isak argues, trying to sound casual but he’s sure he sounds defensive. 

“And cuddled,” Eskild says back, turning to keep cooking. Isak is glad because his face is heating up. “That’s right, I saw. Eskild sees everything.” His roommate adds. Isak remains quiet, trying to come up with a logical explanation but coming up short. He guesses—no, he knows— it's not something friends do. He knows there are a couple of things Even has done that were bordering on something more than friends. Or was Isak just connecting dots blindly, making connections because want and lust blind him? He's not sure, about that or about anything really. He didn’t want to think about it. 

“I’m not-”

“Gay? Yeah, I’m sure he isn’t either seeing as he has a girlfriend.” Eskild responds, matter-of-fact. “Doesn’t change what I saw.”

“It doesn't matter,” Isak says, exasperated, angrier then he intends to be but almost yelling nonetheless. He’s confused, and it’s scaring him, and Isak doesn't know how to express that any other way besides just getting angry. “He has a girlfriend like you said. So why does it matter?” He spits out, steeling himself.

Eskild is quiet, not doing anything for a moment before simply shrugging. “You’re right, it doesn’t matter.” Isak should be grateful that Eskild is dropping it, but he's blind when angry and snaps too quickly. But he’s also tired, so he resorts to storming out of the kitchen before anything else can be said. 

His bed is cold without Even, and his blankets are poor replacements for the safety of the older boy’s arms. It just makes Isak feel worse. 

**———— Fredag 23:00 / Friday 11 PM**

Isak opts out of whatever party the boys want to go to on Friday, because he’s tired, dealing with the tail-end of this cold, and he doesn't necessarily want to see Even right now. He doesn’t know if Even wants to see him either, because the older boy had barely talked to him in the past two days. It was all too confusing than he could handle at the given moment. Almost kissing in the kitchen or Even showing up to take care of him or Isak laying in his arms like that. Eskilds stupid comments were getting into his head and he couldn’t stop them from building a cozy home on his frontal lobe, so instead, he told the boys he wouldn’t make it and resigned to enjoying a night in, or at least trying to.

He’s standing in the kitchen, tapping through the snap stories of the party he’s missing while he waits for water to boil on the stove in front of him. Eskild is out, Linn holed up in her room, and Isak is zoning in and out of his cold medicine haze. He’s pulled out by multiple texts from the boy occupying his thoughts. 

**_Even:_ **

_ jonas threw up and abt to pass out  _

_ can he come to urs? He said to ask u _

_??????? _

Isak sighs, closing his eyes tightly for a moment before texting back a simple ‘yeah’. Before he even finishes making the tea, Even is at the door, Jonas leaning on him limply, and Isak guesses they were already on their way before Isak even allowed it. 

Isak is quick to usher them into the bathroom, setting up Jonas next to the toilet with Evens help. “How much did he drink?” Isak crouches in front of Jonas, tapping lightly on his face before moving to shake him, the brunette unresponsive both times. 

“I don't know, I just found him in the bathroom. He just said to ask you if he could crash here.” Even admits, watching from the doorway. Isak sighs, standing after noticing Jonas’s vomit stained shirt.

“Can you get his shirt off and I’ll grab him another?” Isak pushes past Even, disappearing into his room before returning. It takes the two of them to get the shirt on Jonas, who is gaining back some consciousness but still remains ultimately useless. They eventually get him on to the couch in the living room with a blanket and bucket tucked right beside him, leaving Even and Isak alone in the kitchen, leaning on opposite counters. Isak is unsure what to say, having no idea where they stood.

“You made tea?” Even brings up, nodding to the now lukewarm pot of water on the stove that Isak had half a mind to turn off before dealing with Jonas. Isak only nods, drumming his fingers on the countertop and sniffling. “How are you feeling?” The older boy adds. 

“Better. Ish.” Isak finally responds. As if his body wants to contradict that point he starts coughing, clutching his chest uselessly. Even steps forward, clearing the space between them easily and putting a hand on Isak's shoulder. 

“You okay?” 

Isak catches his breath eventually, shrugging off Even's hand when he finally gets it together, turning abruptly to get himself some water. He wipes the corner of his eyes where tears had sprung, sniffing again before groaning in exasperation. He was sick of being truly sick because it just made everything worse. He didn’t know how to talk to Even right now, he didn’t know how to make sense of anything at all. It was becoming clear that their friendship was boarding on something else but Isak's mind can't make sense of it, or really, he doesn't want to make sense of it. Because if he did connect the dots then he would have to deal with the answer, with the confrontation and decisions and it's making him sweat, and his skin feels hot.

Isak’s hands fumble with the glass and Even reaches out again to help, his hand grazing Isak’s but the younger boy is quicker to step away this time. He sets the glass down, knowing he’s not being very casual and knowing the next words out of Even's mouth before the boy even says them.

“What's going on with you?” Even asks tentatively, stepping back completely from Isak's space.

“What’s going on with  _ you _ ?” Isak retorts, rather frustrated at himself, at Even, at all of it. Even frowns. Isak wishes he could take back words sometimes, especially right now.

“What?” 

“Nothing.” Isak follows, sighing. “Nothing.”

Even only grows more confused. “Isak-“ 

“Look, I can handle him the rest of the night, you can go back to the party.” Isak cuts him off, picking the glass back up and getting water to busy himself. 

“I don’t want to go back to the party.” Even says simply, leaning against the counter, still clearly confused at Isak’s behavior.

“Then go hang out with Sonja or something. I don’t care.” Isak grumbles, sipping on the water.

“And if I want to stay here?” Even offers, watching Isak carefully, head tilted in question. Testing the waters, waiting for the riptide. 

Isak doesn't look at him, leaning into the counter. He knows Even knows Isak isn’t in the best mood, knows that Even isn't going to just take the hint and leave because it's just not what Even is like. 

“I would prefer if you didn't.” Isak manages, closing his eyes as he says so. “I’m still sick and I'm really exhausted. It would just be best if you left.”

It's quiet for awhile, Even shifting anxiously. 

“Did I do something?” 

_ Yes _ . Isak just wants to turn to the older boy, to say everything on his mind and just ask the question plaguing his mind, to get back an answer that would just let him sleep a little easier and breathe a little better. But the chance that he’s wrong, that he’s blindly assuming there’s something between them, that when he finally speaks the truth Even walks out of his life forever, is the reason his feet are glued to the floor. 

“No.” Isak finally says, barely above a whisper. He clears his throat, “No.” He repeats, stronger.

“If there's something wrong, you know you can tell-”

“Even, please, just get out,” Isak says suddenly, just wanting to be alone, to think, to try and make sense of what he wants. “Just get out.” He can't help but wince at how harsh he comes off, the air becoming a little bit colder and a lot tenser, but he knows it's what will get Even to just leave. 

Even then, some part of Isak is expecting, or hoping, that Even will stay, that the older boy will see through Isak’s harsh exterior and just keep pushing until the younger boy breaks, but Isak knows he doesn't deserve that from Even. Isak knows Even doesn't deserve this. Isak wants to open his mouth, to apologize, to tell the truth, and be brave enough to hear an answer. But he’s not, he never has been. He’s scared, of everything all at once, of ruining everything. 

“Okay.” Even finally says, his voice neutral, untelling. “I’ll see you.” And he leaves without another word.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a lil angtsy ik ik! Idk how to feel about this chapter, I've been trying to decide where I want to go with this story but I think I now have a full on outline! Kudos and comments are appreciated!! xx


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